So I am not sure how to start this post. I actually wanted to post some other stuff before but what happened today kinda broke me down a bit. To give a little insight to what I wanted to do with me posts was this.
-I wanted to tell you about the new ECF project that I have been working on for the last two weeks. It’s not vicable but know I am busy with it and I hopefully will post about it more soon.
-and I wanted to ask my friends what they thought of me by asking them questions and then posting there answers to NG so they could see the honest truth about me without lies. Even the less beautiful parts I wanted to put into it.
Instead of that I have to write down my day because I am stuck with it. I had a good day until something happened later on. So I guess I have to begin somewhere.
The day started early for me or even the night before. I had to get up early but I have been having sleeping problems so I wasn’t able to sleep at all until 3 am in the morning. I forced myself to be in bed until atleast 9 am so I would have atleast 6 hours of sleep.
I got up at 9 am to go to 2 friends or atleast one friend and her boyfriend and we would go racing. I am not sure what it is called in English but we would go into these little race cards and just have fun on a race track. Of course this is very expensive and I don’t have the money for that but her boyfriend decided to pay for me what I am very great full for.
So of course I went to the train station (took me an hour but still) and met up with them. I was surprised that they where both early but they ended up in the middle of the train station walking area because they had a different type of train. Have no idea how to explain that better. As well as I had to walk longer than them like 5 minutes extra but that’s all. Not a big deal.
Anyway everything is going good until this point. We joke around, we have fun and we head towards another train that goes to the racing track where we are able to do that thing what I explained before. From there we had to take a bus that was pretty close to the train station of that place. We got there still laughing and having fun but when we got there the racing track it was closed for some reason.
My friends boyfriend is confused because he went there before and they’re always open around that time and it said on the site that it was open. The case was that only in this month it was closed so that luck we had. We called them as well but of course they never picked up (for obvious reasons)
We we’re a little disappointed but we had hope we would just go to another race track to do the same thing. We went towards the busses and headed back to where the trains where.
Of course there we checked all the other places that where close to go to but everything was open for racing until late so we where a bit bumped out about that until her bf said to us that we could go to the movies and the solution was given.
We where both like why not so again we went into the trains to travel to his place. He had 2 free tickets or something so he was happy about that to. We got to his place and we still joked around, me making him jealos what was funny of course and we had to wait. Or atleast after we figured out to witch movie we would go. We wanted to go to Fantastic beasts 2. I will call It that because I don’t know the full tittle anymore. Anyway everyone let the people they lived with know that they would be there and would be home later as well as did i.
Anyway my friend she let her mom know that she would be home late and after dinner. Her mom told her before that it would be fine if she told her before time. She messaged her 14:15 and the movie started 16:10. We waited and for me it was fine and I had no problems and until later she didn’t have any problem either.
So we of course had to wait so I and her boyfriend decided to play smash. Of course I sucked at playing it because it was I think the first time I played the game or atleast the newest that has been in store. I played it once very shortly but that’s it. He was impressed though that I had 560% demage with kerby and I learned fast and I could keep up a little even though I lost every time but I had fun.
We both tried to get her to play to but she refused and waited for her moms responds.
Anyway after an hour or so we ate something (the boyfriend was very nice about that and made something for both of us although it where just little sausage bread thingies in the oven but still)
We ate and after we headed towards the movies.
Until this point there was no problem, eh maybe one though. I never told them but when we got to the boyfriends house they got more and more touchy. Not in the sexual kind but just kissing and hugging and it’s fine but not everytime. So everytime they kissed I made a funny face and just pretended like I kissed someone very stupid and funny way. Not like some people do with a mirror but you know just making fun of them so they wouldn’t do it as much. It made me feel lonely to be honest.
I caught them every time though so I am kinda proud of making them laugh a bit. Even if I seemed happy I wasn’t. I never got jealos it just made me feel worthless. like really worthless. even in the end it frustrated me but at this point it wasn’t that bad but still.
Anyway moving on from that part, we went on to the movies and we went with the bus first and then we walked a part what I didn’t mind of course but I was a bit more distant. I didn’t feel so comfortable and the longer the day went on the more I felt like the one outside of the little group of three we had.
Eventually we got to the cinema and we where all happy to finally have something to do toghter. Anyway we went in, the boyfriend bought the tickets and I thanked him again. He even bought me a ticket for free food and something to drink what I honestly didn’t expect but he is a rich boy so he didn’t seem to mind at all.
We went up stairs towards the food and the rooms but in the middle of getting to the food my friend got called. It was her mom. The first words I heard from her mouth where ‘’yes so? Than I will not go tomorrow but the tickets are already bought’’ and from that moment I knew what was going on.
Her mom is the type to be very dramatic and she can’t litterly do anything. She made the rules that she was able to go as long as she wanted but she had to let her mom know but instead of following her own made rules she did this to us as well as more so to her daughter.
The tickets where bought, she had kept to the rules of her mom, we finally did something and in that minute my hope was shatterd again.
You need to understand we where traveling around the whole day to do something what failed 3 times and we finally found something to do and her mom just destroyed that with a single sentence.
It probably seems like a stupid thing but these are some of the reasons I got mad and sad at the same time.
-One: we failed 3 times to find a racing track.
-Two: we finally found something to do after maybe an hour or more.
-three: we traveled at least more than 3 hours before going to the cinema.
-four: we finally did something with the three of us. (I wanted to get to do something fun with them)
-Five: I almost never get invited to things from anybody. It felt like I had friends I could hang with.
-Six: her boyfriend had payed the tickets what wasn’t cheap and I felt like I wasted his money.
-Seven: I felt worthless and helpless because I couldn’t do anything to confince her mom.
-Eight: her mom threatened her not to let her go to something the next day what she had planned.
-Nine: we where with three people so everyone would get home as save as possible.
-Ten: My friend let her mom know 2 hours before hand she would get home later and wouldn’t be there for dinner.
-Eleven: her mom said she could go as late as she wanted if she let her know before hand.
-Twelve: her mom never responded in the two hours inbetween.
-thirteen: her mom broke her own rules.
-fourtien: it’s a bit selfisch but I traveld more than 5 hours today just like my friend and I could have done something more useful.
And those are just some of the reasons. I don’t know the others. The worst thing is that we had to go. She was sad. She couldn’t stay because she would get punished, if she didn’t stay her boyfriend wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay there because it wouldn’t be fair and I don’t know how to get to the trains and I rather not travel in trains that I am not sure of. So basically I also had to go.
I told my friend I would have just watched the movie because her mom has been always a bitch and more the last times. I would have rebeld and just have gone without a doubt but she couldn’t do that what I can understand as well. And there we went all disappointed and from that moment I went on silent mode. I was mad.
I put on my scarf (that I had put in my bag because we where about to go into the movie theater or room whatever you call it. I put my scarf back on, put my gloves on and as well put my cap on (baseball cap something like that but it wasn’t for baseball) I didn’t walk around with it but I took it with me because I knew if you would have a helm on you will get out with messy hair so I took it with me.
I put that on because I was done with the world. Again my hope was crushed. Even though I could litterly have touched the goal of today it was smashed into the ground. I can’t imagen what the other have thought. When they asked once I told them I wanted to smash her mothers head in with a baseball bet or atleast hurt her quite a bit. We all made jokes about that for a bit.
One thing to understand though her mom isn’t a nice person. The first time I saw her she was racist towards a girl. The second time she didn’t even want to pay nessescary supplies for her daughter even if she had the money but that disappeared. And further than that she lies, and just doesn’t follower her own rules as well as mood swings that aren’t fun for my friend and I hate her mom for it.
It’s basically the reason why I don’t want to go to her house anymore. I also told my friend that I don’t care what her mother thinks of me because I am not there for her but I am there for my friend. She laughed and just said ‘’you sound like your dad’’ from that point on I went silent.
I know they where worried in the train. I heard them whisper.i heard them talk. I just stared out of the train window without moving an inch. I was on the point of crying of anger. I don’t know what it was to be honest but them hugging and kissing a bit for comforting her made it even worse for me.
The worst thing was that the boyfriend petted me over my knee and my friend jealously I guess joky pulled his hand away saying he shouldn’t do that. I joked that day around by poking around by both of them. By my friend more than her boyfriend because I know her better and the jealos action joke was funny but in that moment my heart sank to my shoes even more.
I could keep my tears in and I wanted to walk away but I didn’t. I don’t want to tell her this in person because I am ashamed of having feelings. They are happy toghter, they support each other and I have nothing. Nobody that supports me with so much love. I never ever would steal him away from her never I am not that kind of person. But just seeing them hug and kiss in that train section it broke me just a bit more. Just shuffing in my face that I am not loved at all. By nobody.
The worst thing is I felt worthless, and selfish in that moment. I know she was hurt and I couldn’t help what also made it worse for me. I feel like a bad friend but that way I have felt for a little while now.
Anyway we got out of the train on the main station we met and they where kind to bring me to my next train they really didn’t have to. The boyfriend made us both laugh for a bit but inside I felt dead again. I got to my train and luckly it just got there so it would be empty very soon in the beginning if you waited until everyone was out of the train before.
Anyway my friend wanted a hug and I gave her one and then I wanted to step in but she said I had to give a hug to her boyfriend to so I did. I thanked them for the day because most of it was still fun and I just went in and I was alone again for the next couple minutes.
The worst thing was I had to sit there for almost an hour without music and the train gets busier the closer it gets to leaving so I had people around me everywhere. I hoped nobody would sit next to me but unfraternally I was again the person to be chosen.
I would describe my day as morning happiness, depressing night.
I hope I feel better soon and if any of these people read this then I am sorry.
For everything that happened.
I am sorry for being silent but I can’t handle telling you.
I am sorry for being a bad friend.
To everyone else I am sorry I can’t post anything else today. I hope to post something soon though. Anyway. I hope everyone is having a better day then me and otherwise I hope it get’s better soon, and thank you for reading.
Anson Seabra – Broken
Jaymes Young - Tied Down (Lyric Video)
Johnny Balik - Honey (Audio)
Cobi - Church Of The Lonely [Official Music Video]
KALEO - I Can't Go On Without You (legendado)
David Guetta, Bebe Rexha & J Balvin - Say My Name (Official Video)