Hey Everyone,

so it has been a while since i last posted and i feel kinda bad about it. i haven't been doing very well lately because of some things that have been going on around me. for starters there was a shooting close to the building i had classes in. if i would have been late i could have been shot what is a scary though as well as some other things have been going on and i don't really want to talk about that. anyway since i felt better today because of my friend alex and my best friend

VikingWalker i desided to do a little list of quiestions. you can thank lTater for that. i looked up her twitter (idk why i was intressted) and saw this list with questions and thought it would be fun to answer. i made some alterations to some questions or removed some because i am not willing to answer them anyway here we go i guess. i hope you can enjoy this and if you want you can put your own answers down in the comment i would love to read them ^^

anyway here i go:

1.prefferd name:

usually people call me by my normal name but online i go by N, Nyan or Nyana.

2.longest relationship:

6 months i am not good in relationships but i try my best. but even so the people i had with i don't regret a thing.

and i learned alot about who i am and how to improve myself.

3. crush:

no crush for me atleast not yet i guess.

4.pets:

i have had pets before 2 irish setters (the cutest puppers ever) but no pets now i would love to have a husly though

and mabey an irish setter again.

5.fav food:

deventually lasagna

6.food you hate:

i don't have alot of food i hate although i don't like olives and blue cheese.

that's all i can think of XD

7.fav animal:

a wolf. i also love the pictures people take of them there usually really beautiful or durpy as fuck what i love.

8.pronounces:

i prefer they them to be honest but i am not strict with the rules and understand when people make mistakes.

9.sexuality:

deventually pansexual no doubt. it used to be bisexual but i changed that a bit more than a year ago.

10.gender:

non-binary/trans

11.someone you miss:

i miss one of my exes and some of my old friends. when i knew him his name started with an M. we had such a good time togehter but it just broke off just like with some other friends but i think it is for the best. i still hope they are all doing okay though. it tought me some really important lessons.

12.fav tv show:

game of thrones for sure. (you know nothing john snow, winter is coming, a lanister always pays his depts etc.)

love the show can't wait for the new season. it is so well writen. (that's my opinion btw :p )

13.do you bind:

for anyone who doesn't know binding is flattening your cest to look more flat (duh XD ) it is usually done by something

called a binder and is called binding. it is a tight vest that is stuck around your boob area and flattens your chest. people do this to feel more like themself and be more comfortable in there skin. it can be done by anyone. but yes i do that.

14.would you change your sexuality if you could:

this is kind of a deep question but my answer is no. i like that i have a sexuality that is open to every single gender and personality or that is how i feel. it makes me me and if i love someone that's all that matters. also i have alot more options that most :p just joking btw.anyway i like my sexuality and i am happy it is this way even if people don't agree.

15.hugs or cuddles:

cuddles are just long hugs i think but i guess cuddle? it depends on the person of course but if it someone i am really close with cuddles are nice? idk.

16.ask me a question:

so here you go now you can ask me a question. if you read this far thank you for reading i appreaciate that alot so if you are curious and want to know something you can ask me anything you want (if i answer it is another question) but i'll do my best to answer.

~N

anyway i hope everyone is having a wonderfull day further.

here is some (chill) music you might enjoy:

Jacob Tillberg - Ghosts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJyR2QpHGvc

AJR - OVERTURE (Official Video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZz1Gxdb_tA

I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME -Choke

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvJjmWTg7Qo

Jakubi - Couch Potato

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9SHmG3wGqc

Neovaii - I Remember

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6c2-NImglE

Sub Urban - Cradles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ_RYARwAeY

Moe Shop - Owarini Liveshow Tokyo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1rF38MjpHE

The Neighbourhood - "Wires"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwcZ81SftVw

Hey guy's,

so i entered last month to the writing compition of january and @Fro just posted the results. i appreaciate him putting so much efford into reading all the stories and even hosting compitions like this to give writers on NG a challenge every single month. unfortunally i didn't win but that wasn't the reason i competed in the first place. i saw some amezing stories coming by and i think they deserve it just as much. i want to congratulate all the winners of that month TheInnerScience Dranj - The Gatecrasher  and LiamRomK  )

anyway i enjoyed the writing of that month so i thought why not post it on here as well so everyone who enjoys my writing can read something of mine (instead of poems i post or other random stuff i talk about) anyway for the older readers they know that i posted stories a while ago so this is probebly a throw back but anyway here is the story i wrote. i hope everyone can enjoy ^^

Tittle: the future become the present when you start again.

Some days i wonder where you are. Like the blackness of my soul you stole away from me the minute you left my world. I can’t explain it anymore but your gone. I don’t know what it is what drove you to stand next to me but you where there. Like an oil stain on paper I couldn’t remove you from my life and then suddenly you disappeared. Nobody knows where you are and I never heard of you again but this time I have to start over again.

Like the past the present is just as important and you where a part of my past. A painting that is hanging on my wall reminds me every day of you and all that I am missing but you’re not there anymore.

The present is a gift. A gift that by some has been given by a god or some other creature with magical powers but for me it is just another day. Now it is another day without you. It might be a day that could be special, and everything could be changed in a second with out knowing what has been going on and I know that.

Like a waterfall it falls every day. Let’s say this waterfall will never dry and it will keep on going and it will always fall as far as it can. never ending in a splash on the ground but continuing like the place it fell from was a floating island you will never be able to see again.

You will remember the grass you once pasted, you will remember all the trees you saw, the night skies where you could admire the stars and where you saw a falling star once and where one time you floated past a village and you stayed for a while but then had to move on again. These are the memories of your past.

But again, there was a ledge and you fell from the edge of the world moving on from that one to the next.

You will fall, you will always fall again and again and fall harder than another time but in between you still can look up at that island where you had those memories and wonder how it could have ended if you stayed but you didn’t and your heading towards your new world.

Instead of looking back you will look forward and there will be a new world waiting for you. Like the world you left behind was doing before.

One with new rivers, people, trees, smells and more. Where you can have new experiences and your future will be laying there waiting for you to arrive and instead of being your future then the future will change in to your present and will show you new wonders of his world.

And one day that present will pass on to be your past like all your futures will. They always will be waiting for you to arrive in there moment and they will all have there moments to shine. I wouldn’t call it just a day anymore. Maybe it could be a present of your future. Maybe that’s why the present is named after a gift. It’s a present specially made for you.

But not all futures are wonderful, and neither can be your presents. Not all beginnings are one to look forward to. Some futures are grim and sad. Ones you will never expect but shape you to the person you are today and even those futures are a new beginning of your personality.

The heartbreaks, the betrayals of friends and family, the loss of people and more are also new beginnings. Some of those beginnings are now the past for some people and they never got the chance to say goodbye. They started scared and crumbled. Dead in the eyes with just one little bit of hope where they hoped other futures would be better.

Not every beginning is a good one, but every beginning will end eventually. People would call them sections or chapters like from life. When someone dies it is a new beginning in the life of someone else. They will have to life forever without that person and that might hurt but it will give their wings strength or let them become a fallen angel broken and lost.

Nobody knows what they will become in the future. Only the future will know that story and the time master will know as well. They may sit in a chair. The past, present and the future writing their books and then passing them onto another.

The future writes the books. She writes all the things that happen for everyone or just one person. With a stroke of her pen she will write a full book for every person’s life. One shorter than the other. It might make her sad that a daughter just born passed away from a disease, but she goes on every single day writing a new beginning and a new chapter for a boy, a girl or someone in between.

Then there is the present. He gets all the books that the future writes and makes sure every single action gets carried out. Like a movie director he sees all the actions people have done and makes sure they get all carried out as the future has written for them. He sometimes gets sad as well because not everyone has a happy beginning or ending.

Then there is the past. Sitting in the last chair. Like the other two he knows what has been going on, but he is special. He stores the present into the past. Thousands of book cases where he stores everything every day and he knows what goes on. Every sad memory left behind by people who have to start over again but also the happy new couples and parents and more people who are so happy about the beginning. He knows these memories are lessons for a better future even though some lessons are hard and cruel.

And then there is the time master who manages time, so time is not stuck in one place.

It’s a nice idea right? Everything even the past is already written in the future. All your chapters stored into the hands of the future until the present gets their hand on it. Or isn’t it more beautiful that every new beginning has been a future and became your present and later your past.

Maybe we will never know or maybe when your chapters end another book gets opened and we start over again fresh with a clean slate. Or we get to a door where you get a choice. Live again with no memories of your past or pass on with every memory preserved as the person you where and always will be.

You will never know until then we will only know that there will always be new beginnings until we end our books forever.

Until then we will always have to look towards the future with a smile, have to live with the present and learn from our past and even though the past will sometimes let us hate the present and the future we will have to remember that we will always have a choice if we want to start a new chapter again and begin a fresh start.

We will never be alone in our steps into a new beginning and there will always be our guardians that will protect us and support our choices and that’s why I will let you go and start fresh again.

I will turn the page over and there will not be the oil stain you left and I might turn back the page to look at what happened then and I will not always be happy with the choices I made but I will not dwell on keeping myself on that page and I will turn over a new one.

Even if the new page is fresh, I will stain it with my new words of my new beginning where I will meet new people, make new friends, and become the person that I wanted to be even though I am scared of what might come towards me.

I will chase the life goals I always wanted to for fill, and I will learn from my mistakes to see what will make my future even more beautiful than it could already be. I will never regret the people I have met without a doubt and I will never regret meeting the new people in the future because they make the person I am today and I am proud of that.

The fresh page will make my new life longer than it was before and even though it will scare me to death it will make me stronger and I will never forget that.

A new page isn’t always beautiful, but it will give new meaning to life, make you stronger as well as let’s you see the other beautiful things in life.

I hope my chapter will go on for a long time still. 

My name is the future and right now I am looking towards the present who I will become. I will have to start a new page again and say goodbye to my future. I finally will see my and your stories played out and even if you stain the page like I sometimes had to do before. Let’s make something beautiful toghter. 

~The End

i don't know how they found me- do it all the time:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXzPxBhhmY8

Billie Eilish-bury a friend (lyrics)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJqWZ3Zy5CU

Matt Maeson - "Me And My Friends Are Lonely" [Official Audio]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN0aiXcksu0

The Correspondents - Fear & Delight (Official Video)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABS-mlep5rY

I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME - Absinthe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sTQu-AQM-Y

I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME -Choke

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvJjmWTg7Qo

Alice Francis - Shoot Him down! (Official Video) (Break his neck, neck, neck, neck)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xE6nONHbV4

i hope you enjoy ^^

~N )

Hey Everyone, 

So since idk when but for a couple of months i have been working on very first game what is amezing. so for a little context. i am doing a study on game artist and of course in every period we have a big project we work on every wednesday. (depends usually on the period but this period is on a wednesday) anyway so i have started with making my first game. not in unity because i don't really know how to work with that yet with proper games haha. would look honestly like a mess than.

anyway, i wanted to talk about the game a little bit because mabey i want to upload a movie showing how to play the game. we can't upload it because it's an engine that was made by one of the teachers on my college. even the developer class is kinda complaining about it haha but i don't have to deal with putting codes into the engine etc. 

so how it started was we where put into a big class room (because the other class room wasn't availible idk but it wasn't ) so we where in the photoghraphy room yes we have that in my college pretty awesome) but we where put into teams there. i was put with this guy, i will call him WS so yes  WS was my team mate but of course he wasn't there. i didn't know where he was but he was late (what later was becoming kind of a problem) so some developers where sitting at our huge table and one said he liked to go on his own and was a bit egotistical about his work. of course i said i wouldn't stand for that and would litterly crush that into the ground. (that guy lets call him AN ) also said later this week that game artist don't know what developers do and that they think that game artists think they do the most work (what is complete bullshit we both do just as much work just in different departments) 

but yah besides that i wasn't to worried just that i couldn't find my developer. later in the weeks he was late alot what kinda drives me crazy right now. it is getting less but sometimes i really want to give him a kick under his ass to let him know. besides that he is a nice guy he just doesn't talk much and i need to every time pull out the information out of him. i will let him know he has to ask more my side as well because it's annoying for me to do it every time with no intresst from him.

further than that we build up a story and we are litterly so far compaired to the others what we where both so amazed by. i worked really fast with my sketches and line work on photoshop and send it to him and you can basically go through the whole level (although there no puzzles or almost none) but i am pretty proud on how far we are. 

the short version of the story is that you crashed on a water planet and you need to get out with the pod. you need to gather all the food in the ship your in and need to solve some puzzles in the crashed ship your in. it's pretty simple to be honest. 

i am not proud of what art i made because it is litterly done when i was first figuring out how to work in photoshop for the first time. what is kind of emberrassing. anyway i noticed with coloring and shading the outlining that it got so much better. so i am keeping with that. mabey i'll post some of the art to show you how the game looks. 

i had to laugh when some developers came over and judged my art. one was iritated that you could look through the character. i just had to laugh how they judged my art while it wasn't finished and how they kinda made fun of WS in a friend kinda way. i later explained that if i fill it up that it would be a pain in the ass to remove it from the whole drawing. now i realize i could make a different layer under it and it wouldn't be a problem but than i stil have to remove everything but that's less work. still it made me laugh what was good.

further how far i am with the game is that you can go through the whole level (without many puzzles) so there is only outlining. the objects are colored already just like the mouse you work with is fully done and glows when you hover over it so that's pretty cool i guess although it's my work haha. 

further the only one that knows how it looks are my classmates/friends and @killacup who i am working with an emberrassing mistake that i on accident send it to him. never had shown it to a stranger before that and i was supposed to send it to my developer what went wrong haha. besides that my dad has only seen it because i was excited about it and the only words he had to say was ''you're going to be alright'' in the sence that he thinks i am going to do well in the future what is great to know. i was happy to hear that.

but hopefully when WS and i are done he can record when he plays the game and i will ask if he can send the video to me and ask him for permition if i can post it. hopefully he sais yes but i don't think he will say no because he is pretty easy to talk to. 

anyway i am glad i am working with him because he works fast and doesn't deliver shit luckly. and if you talk to him he is pretty nice. although he has his flaws like not asking me anything and not coming on time he is good to work with. hopefully he also sais when he gets botherd by something. (like AN said i was not availible because of my head phones on WS did the same but yah ) i asked WS and he said it didn't bother him at all he did the same XD we said that if something is going on we would just ask even though the headphones. (we both wear head phones because we're litterly working on a game for 3 and a half hours with like a 15 minute break or something in a busy class room so we can consetrate ourself better that way) further i like working with him and hopefully i can show you the game in the future ^^

anyway this was a little rant about the game i am working on. i wanted to talk about something and let you all know what i am working on ^^ hopefully you enjoyed reading it and further thanks for reading until the end. here is some music you might enjoy and further i hope everyone is having a wonderfull day.

~N

Quinn XCII - Tough (Official Video) ft. Noah Kahan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26svno14ADU

Elderbrook - Old Friend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp0sqq1Uh0w

Syence - Nice Girl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4oG8_3j58U

khai dreams [ft. Forrest] - come true (legendado)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBcCfVN3bDA

Ruel - Dazed & Confused (legendado)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKaKudvHIJw

Bust Your Knee Caps | Male Version
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SMT9921Ggg

KRANE x Jupom - Nothing To Lose
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bd1OgWzzsmw

Krewella - Bad Liar (lyrics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v51e-VJiJ8o

Kina - i'm in love with you (lyrics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0kq7xcVCxE

DROELOE - Looking Back
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7CfX10jgnw

this is one of the 1+ hour  music i lissen to usually when i make the game:

Gaming Music Mix 2017 ⭐ Best Dubstep ● Electro House ● Trap & Bass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjdpAQIaG9E

~Enjoy ^^

Hey Guy's,

So I am not sure how to start this post. I actually wanted to post some other stuff before but what happened today kinda broke me down a bit. To give a little insight to what I wanted to do with me posts was this.

-I wanted to tell you about the new ECF project that I have been working on for the last two weeks. It’s not vicable but know I am busy with it and I hopefully will post about it more soon.

-and I  wanted to ask my friends what they thought of me by asking them questions and then posting there answers to NG so they could see the honest truth about me without lies. Even the less beautiful parts I wanted to put into it.

Instead of that I have to write down my day because I am stuck with it. I had a good day until something happened later on. So I guess I have to begin somewhere.

The day started early for me or even the night before. I had to get up early but I have been having sleeping problems so I wasn’t able to sleep at all until 3 am in the morning. I forced myself to be in bed until atleast 9 am so I would have atleast 6 hours of sleep.

I got up at 9 am to go to 2 friends or atleast one friend and her boyfriend and we would go racing. I am not sure what it is called in English but we would go into these little race cards and just have fun on a race track. Of course this is very expensive and I don’t have the money for that but her boyfriend decided to pay for me what I am very great full for.

So of course I went to the train station (took me an hour but still) and met up with them. I was surprised that they where both early but they ended up in the middle of the train station walking area because they had a different type of train. Have no idea how to explain that better. As well as I had to walk longer than them like 5 minutes extra but that’s all. Not a big deal.

Anyway everything is going good until this point. We joke around, we have fun and we head towards another train that goes to the racing track where we are able to do that thing what I explained before. From there we had to take a bus that was pretty close to the train station of that place. We got there still laughing and having fun but when we got there the racing track it was closed for some reason.

My friends boyfriend is confused because he went there before and they’re always open around that time and it said on the site that it was open. The case was that only in this month it was closed so that luck we had. We called them as well but of course they never picked up (for obvious reasons)

We we’re a little disappointed but we had hope we would just go to another race track to do the same thing. We went towards the busses and headed back to where the trains where.

Of course there we checked all the other places that where close to go to but everything was open for racing until late so we where a bit bumped out about that until her bf said to us that we could go to the movies and the solution was given.

We where both like why not so again we went into the trains to travel to his place. He had 2 free tickets or something so he was happy about that to. We got to his place and we still joked around, me making him jealos what was funny of course and we had to wait. Or atleast after we figured out to witch movie we would go. We wanted to go to Fantastic beasts 2. I will call It that because I don’t know the full tittle anymore. Anyway everyone let the people they lived with know that they would be there and would be home later as well as did i.

Anyway my friend she let her mom know that she would be home late and after dinner. Her mom told her before that it would be fine if she told her before time. She messaged her 14:15 and the movie started 16:10. We waited and for me it was fine and I had no problems and until later she didn’t have any problem either.

So  we of course had to wait so I and her boyfriend decided to play smash. Of course I sucked at playing it because it was I think the first time I played the game or atleast the newest that has been in store. I played it once very shortly but that’s it. He was impressed though that I had 560% demage with kerby and I learned fast and I could keep up a little even though I lost every time but I had fun.

We both tried to get her to play to but she refused and waited for her moms responds.

Anyway after an hour or so we ate something (the boyfriend was very nice about that and made something for both of us although it where just little sausage bread thingies in the oven but still)

We ate and after we headed towards the movies.

Until this point there was no problem, eh maybe one though. I never told them but when we got to the boyfriends house they got more and more touchy. Not in the sexual kind but just kissing and hugging and it’s fine but not everytime. So everytime they kissed I made a funny face and just pretended like I kissed someone very stupid and funny way. Not like some people do with a mirror but you know just making fun of them so they wouldn’t do it as much. It made me feel lonely to be honest.

I caught them every time though so I am kinda proud of making them laugh a bit. Even if I seemed happy I wasn’t. I never got jealos it just made me feel worthless. like really worthless. even in the end it frustrated me but at this point it wasn’t that bad but still.

Anyway moving on from that part, we went on to the movies and we went with the bus first and then we walked a part what I didn’t mind of course but I was a bit more distant. I didn’t feel so comfortable and the longer the day went on the more I felt like the one outside of the little group of three we had.

Eventually we got to the cinema and we where all happy to finally have something to do toghter. Anyway we went in, the boyfriend bought the tickets and I thanked him again. He even bought me a ticket for free food and something to drink what I honestly didn’t expect but he is a rich boy so he didn’t seem to mind at all.

We went up stairs towards the food and the rooms but in the middle of getting to the food my friend got called. It was her mom. The first words I heard from her mouth where ‘’yes so? Than I will not go tomorrow but the tickets are already bought’’ and from that moment I knew what was going on.

Her mom is the type to be very dramatic and she can’t litterly do anything. She made the rules that she was able to go as long as she wanted but she had to let her mom know but instead of following her own made rules she did this to us as well as more so to her daughter.

The tickets where bought, she had kept to the rules of her mom, we finally did something and in that minute my hope was shatterd again.

You need to understand we where traveling around the whole day to do something what failed 3 times and we finally found something to do and her mom just destroyed that with a single sentence.

It probably seems like a stupid thing but these are some of the reasons I got mad and sad at the same time.

-One: we failed 3 times to find a racing track.

-Two: we finally found something to do after maybe an hour or more.

-three: we traveled at least more than 3 hours before going to the cinema.

-four: we finally did something with the three of us. (I wanted to get to do something fun with them)

-Five: I almost never get invited to things from anybody. It felt like I had friends I could hang with.

-Six: her boyfriend had payed the tickets what wasn’t cheap and I felt like I wasted his money.

-Seven: I felt worthless and helpless because I couldn’t do anything to confince her mom.

-Eight: her mom threatened her not to let her go to something the next day what she had planned.

-Nine: we where with three people so everyone would get home as save as possible.

-Ten: My friend let her mom know 2 hours before hand she would get home later and wouldn’t be there for dinner.

-Eleven: her mom said she could go as late as she wanted if she let her know before hand.

-Twelve: her mom never responded in the two hours inbetween.

-thirteen: her mom broke her own rules.

-fourtien: it’s a bit selfisch but I traveld more than 5 hours today just like my friend and I could have done something more useful.

And those are just some of the reasons. I don’t know the others. The worst thing is that we had to go. She was sad. She couldn’t stay because she would get punished, if she didn’t stay her boyfriend wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t stay there because it wouldn’t be fair and I don’t know how to get to the trains and I rather not travel in trains that I am not sure of. So basically I also had to go.

I told my friend I would have just watched the movie because her mom has been always a bitch and more the last times. I would have rebeld and just have gone without a doubt but she couldn’t do that what I can understand as well. And there we went all disappointed and from that moment I went on silent mode. I was mad.

I put on my scarf (that I had put in my bag because we where about to go into the movie theater or room whatever you call it. I put my scarf back on, put my gloves on and as well put my cap on (baseball cap something like that but it wasn’t for baseball) I didn’t walk around with it but I took it with me because I knew if you would have a helm on you will get out with messy hair so I took it with me.

I put that on because I was done with the world. Again my hope was crushed. Even though I could litterly have touched the goal of today it was smashed into the ground. I can’t imagen what the other have thought. When they asked once I told them I wanted to smash her mothers head in with a baseball bet or atleast hurt her quite a bit. We all made jokes about that for a bit.

One thing to understand though her mom isn’t a nice person. The first time I saw her she was racist towards a girl. The second time she didn’t even want to pay nessescary supplies for her daughter even if she had the money but that disappeared. And further than that she lies, and just doesn’t follower her own rules as well as mood swings that aren’t fun for my friend and I hate her mom for it.

It’s basically the reason why I don’t want to go to her house anymore. I also told my friend that I don’t care what her mother thinks of me because I am not there for her but I am there for my friend. She laughed and just said ‘’you sound like your dad’’ from that point on I went silent.

I know they where worried in the train. I heard them whisper.i heard them talk. I just stared out of the train window without moving an inch. I was on the point of crying of anger. I don’t know what it was to be honest but them hugging and kissing a bit for comforting her made it even worse for me.

The worst thing was that the boyfriend petted me over my knee and my friend jealously I guess joky pulled his hand away saying he shouldn’t do that. I joked that day around by poking around by both of them. By my friend more than her boyfriend because I know her better and the jealos action joke was funny but in that moment my heart sank to my shoes even more.

I could keep my tears in and I wanted to walk away but I didn’t. I don’t want to tell her this in person because I am ashamed of having feelings. They are happy toghter, they support each other and I have nothing. Nobody that supports me with so much love. I  never ever would steal him away from her never I am not that kind of person. But just seeing them hug and kiss in that train section it broke me just a bit more. Just shuffing in my face that I am not loved at all. By nobody.

The worst thing is I felt worthless, and selfish in that moment. I know she was hurt and I couldn’t help what also made it worse for me. I feel like a bad friend but that way I have felt for a little while now.

Anyway we got out of the train on the main station we met and they where kind to bring me to my next train they really didn’t have to. The boyfriend made us both laugh for a bit but inside I felt dead again. I got to my train and luckly it just got there so it would be empty very soon in the beginning if you waited until everyone was out of the train before.

Anyway my friend wanted a hug and I gave her one and then I wanted to step in but she said I had to give a hug to her boyfriend to so I did. I thanked them for the day because most of it was still fun and I just went in and I was alone again for the next couple minutes.

The worst thing was I had to sit there for almost an hour without music and the train gets busier the closer it gets to leaving so I had people around me everywhere. I hoped nobody would sit next to me but unfraternally I was again the person to be chosen.

I would describe my day as morning happiness, depressing night.
I hope I feel better soon and if any of these people read this then I am sorry.
For everything that happened.
I am sorry for being silent but I can’t handle telling you.
I am sorry for being a bad friend.

To everyone else I am sorry I can’t post anything else today. I hope to post something soon though. Anyway. I hope everyone is having a better day then me and otherwise I hope it get’s better soon, and thank you for reading.

~N

Anson Seabra – Broken
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwENr2dk2R8

Jaymes Young - Tied Down (Lyric Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXqcxD1oTDw

Johnny Balik - Honey (Audio)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z-27EJcMxc

Cobi - Church Of The Lonely [Official Music Video]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_8YgfvL5Gs

KALEO - I Can't Go On Without You (legendado)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCeNSPM3zeA

David Guetta, Bebe Rexha & J Balvin - Say My Name (Official Video)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ft4jcPSLJfY

So Hey Everyone,

It has been a while hasn’t it. I think it has been almost 2 months sinds I posted anything at least with writing and since some time some stuff has happened. So I will put this post into parts. Kinda like topics I will talk about briefly or pretty long because idk I always talk way to much and that probably won’t change at all :p anyway I’ll start from what I know and the topic I think of first.

My first VR experience:
So the first thing I think of is my VR experience. Idk why but I like it. So this is quite a fond memory of mine even though it isn’t long but I enjoy it. So for my college there was a kind of a event going on. A lot of people from the gaming business side came to my college to check out new tech or something like that or they could show of idk. It was vague and idk to be honest why they where there but there was vr.

My professor or teacher whatever you want to call them said that if your done with school or in your half hour break you could go to a small van outside where they would show vr. So of course I was like yes of course I will do this no problem. Not that I said it but I really wanted to check it out because I am really vaccinated by that kind of stuff.

So in my break I went down stairs on the first floor where they had food….. that made me kinda of irritated in a manner. So to explain in my school your not allowed to eat. Like nowhere not in the building at least or non of the buildings. The only place your allowed to eat is outside (not fun when it’s cold) en in the cafeteria and because we share it with a high school (and that sucks) it is always very busy there so I usually am like a ninja and eat my food in the building. But because businessman where there…. They where allowed to eat….in. the. Building. (there hypocrites to be honest) yah wasn’t happy about that. Some meetings do that to not happy with that. Anyway….

So after class I decided to check it out. Because it isn’t waiting for the bus for to long I went there with my friend who I will call S. I decided to drag her along into my curiosity. I kinda saw it coming that it was the hights game vr experience and if people know me I have a healthy kind of fear of hights.

So I stepped in the van and just said to the people talking (and I clearly interrupted them XD ) with the sentence ‘’Hey, I am a curious student who wants to check out vr’’ I don’t know why but you know why not. One poor guy got left behind on his own and the other 3 left XD oops for him seemed like he had a good conversation but to bad.

So I stepped in the van and to be clear all the walls of the van where made of glass so everyone outside could see what you where doing. Luckly It was slightly raining so nobody was outside and I was in the van.

Anyway so I put my bag in the corner, my friend S sat on the bench next to my bag to keep an eye on it and eventually laugh at me but yah. So I put on the vr headset and it was pretty sick. In the game you had to step into the elevator and here is the akward thing. I jumped straight into the window of the van wall XD that’s how real your brain makes it feel. Of course I had to laugh at myself but I didn’t know what the boundaries where from the thing and I never used vr so it was totally new for me. If the man laughed at me I wouldn’t blame him. I laughed at myself to be honest and I still do. So to continue in the game you step into an elevator of a sky scrapper and then press on a button to go all the way to the top.

Of course I am afraid of hights so this was great. And then you have to walk out onto a plank that hangs outside the sky scrapper. And the assholes as well (what I didn’t notice) let the van move when you stood on the wooden plank. Anyway that was terrifying I think I stood looking over the edge for quite some time like a couple of minutes but later I stood on the edge. I first stood on half and then on the edge. The fun thing is with me I can do it I just have to calm down take a breath and then just jump. The terrifying thing is that with that game if you actually jump off the game lets you see that you fall what I wasn’t ready to see so I did everything I could to prevent that. S told me later she wanted to see me fall (of course she is a little devil after all but not as bad as me because I would have pushed her if she had the balls to go in vr)

But the side effects where that my legs started shacking and while staring over the edge I started to ramble how fascinating I found it how the science works and stuff like that because I am like that XD S told me that the guy who was there as well just was looking at me bored with the face ‘’like I don’t know’’ I think he got a little tired of me XD but I don’t care I had a good time but I also wasn’t talking to him I told S as well. I tried to put her into the vr but she didn’t want to.

Anyway when I stood on the edge I jumped back into the elevator and was done. It took me 20 minutes to stop shacking XD but I don’t regret the choice but next time I don’t want anything with hights unless it’s a rolercoaster. I like those.

My study until now:
Anyway next topic and that is for my study. So as you can hear my school is quite technical as well as creative what is soooo awesome and gives me so many opportunities what is amazing. For the study that I choose I feel right at my place and I improved a lot just the problem is that I feel insecure sometimes because there a lot of amazing artists around me that are so sweet and also friends of mine but there so good.. what makes me feel insecure but I am becoming better. I love the people and the teachers that I have around me and this is the first school I feel completely at home in. what is great. I only have one person I kinda dislike but not really and further than that everyone has been great and I have made some great friends that I hope to keep for a long time. Even though I am really akward sometimes the fact that I can be myself in a couple of months already is mindblowing to me because the first 10 years of my school life I have had just 1 or 2 friends and now it turned into so much more. And it means the world to me.

My break up (twice) :
So to another topic but this time it’s faster because I talked to much in the vr section. So In my last relationship I have been through 2 break ups. Btw no harm to this guy he is still really sweet he is just troubled I think and I am willing to help him out if he lets him (but he needs to get of his ass and stay in contact with me and also he has never harmed me with words or action he just didn’t put in efford what resulted into this)

Anyway like I said before I have been through 2 break ups with him what lead to this last break up and we are officially over. I don’t think we will ever be together again as well but that is from my side because he completely lost my trust. Anyway so what happened was in the first time he idk why saw me more as a sister and it didn’t feel right (in one of my posts called ‘’where have I been?’’ I talked about it more into details it’s latterly the one before this XD) but yah he called me a sister and broke it off with me. He had to go to the bus and he realized that he made a mistake so an hour later while I was so hurt I got suiscidle (not only from the break up but a lot of things where going on) he said to me that he made a mistake and he wants me back. I told him clearly ‘’that is fine. I will forgive you but I won’t forget it and you will have to work your ass of to get your trust back that you lost’’ that day not only lost my trust but he broke my heart into a million peaces where I started to love him less but cared enough to give him another chance. in the months after instead of doing something about it he started to see me less where I of course got upset about because it’s a long distant relationship and I needed to know if he was okay. He didn’t take the time and seeing each other from 6 hours a day went to 3 hours went to one hour went to 30 minutes turned into 20 minutes into 10 minutes until we didn’t see each other at all while I said I needed to see him atleast an hour In the day. For me it felt like he started to push me farther away. I started to thinking about breaking up with him and I told him I needed to talk but I never came to it.

Until the day he didn’t even react to my messages at all. That day I wanted to send to him. ‘’it’s over I am done waiting for you’’ or ‘’I am sorry but I can’t keep this up it’s over between us’’ or something along those lines but instead of me doing it I saw it coming and he broke up with me that evening. The worst part is I didn’t even cry. I was more upset and I ranted about that again people are leaving me and that again I am losing people I care about and that he would stop paying attention to me and forget me completely and things like that. I shouldn’t have done that and I might have a been a bit to harsh but I have experience and trauma’s of people leaving. We decided to stay friends and he said he would stay in contact. Until this day he hasn’t disappeared but he hasn’t shown that he cares either. He is lost from what I have seen and I want to help but I am not sure if I am willing to risk to lose myself but I pity him.

I hope he will be okay and we can be friends in the end because he stays a nice guy.

I hope this relationship doesn’t like my relationship before just in a wreck. I honestly don’t want to lose a good friend who I can tell stuff about anything.

Comic con 2018:
Anyway so to a lighter topic. This year I went to winter comic con 2018 and to be honest it was amazing. I went on Saturday and Sunday and wasn’t exhausted afterwards either what I am so surprised about. Anyway I saw some amazing friends (one from NG ‘’hi Even’’ ) and I went with a lot of my friends and had the best time. I met some new friends (from friends that I know for a while now), I played exploding kittens the card game with gigantic cards like twice the size of a person (what was amazing) and we even won (we played that on Sunday and we got like the pocket version of exploding kittens what is still freaking cool) I went on 3 pictures because people asked what was freaking awesome and they where so adorable ^^ (it where 3 different younger girls) I went on pictures with other cosplayers from games (like delta ruin and Detroit become human) even saw a whole Detroit become human marge with them screaming ‘’where living beings to’’ what was awesome and I just had fun with making a lot of pictures and walking around in cosplay. Even when I went home with the train I saw this little kid in there. For me I had to wait 30 to 40 minutes in the cold outside and the next train wasn’t mine but there was this little kid (because there was this event going on so a lot of adults with there kids where in that train) but the train was full and I saw that cute kid. I smiled and it was shy so it hid behind his mother but when the train drove away the kid just jumped and smiled and waved at me. That litterly made my whole day better.

So as you can hear that was fantastic. I enjoyed myself so much. I can’t wait to go to even larger conventions and make even more cosplays (I was a jack frost btw) and I bought some merch as well what I was happy about. I got even stuff for free just as my friends. Some idiots bought two boxes of 20 bucks (so they wasted 20 bucks) and they didn’t like what was in the box so they just gave it away to us. I got some tissues with the case having litterly the most beautiful art, a mug from the game ‘’the talos principle’’ and I got some black ups 3 coasters (I don’t play it but I liked the skulls). My friend got the same mug as me, a hearstone stress ball and some other stuff and another of her friends got a mug of the last uncharted and he got something else not sure what. But that was pretty cool ^^ I enjoyed myself so much and hope to go in the future as well.

Projects in the future:

So what I am working on right now are scripts mostly. I have some ready for @TheEighthHour so he only has to give me the sign and I can send it to him. The other voice actors haven’t reacted back yet although I know one is in a tough position but the other 2 are just gone idk why so If your intressted or know someone who is intressted in voice acting send them to me I have some stuff laying around that I would love to collab on ^^ further than that I have been busy so writing a big story isn’t really what I have been doing. I have been working on a game for college so maybe I can post that but I don’t think so but maybe who know. I’ll see in the future I have been thinking about doing a pod cast with someone else but that’s also for the future.

How am i?:
I will get into this later on. Otherwise it will get to much XD

How are you?:
So I talked a lot about myself. I was wondering how are you? I know a lot of people have a lot of things going on and I wanted to make sure if everyone was okay as wel as I am curious ^^ I hope of course that everyone is doing good (but I can’t excpect that) anyway if you want to tell me don’t hesitate I would love to hear or even help out. And also congrats you got to the end ^^ it was a lot to read and write XD sorry for the text bomb I let off :p anyway I hope everyone is doing okay and that everyone is having a good day otherwise I wish you the best and hope it gets better.

So that’s it I am all talked out (not really but otherwise I am afraid it won’t fit on here XD)
Anyway I hope to hear from you all later ^^

~N

Two Feet - Lost The Game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2ZW_94DyYM

grandson - Bury Me Face Down (Audio)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLbqnmvLPKE

SIAMÉS "Mr. FEAR" [Official Animated Music Video]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKLWC93nvAU

Death Parade AMV - Feeling Good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=335VEasxI2E

Two Feet - Back Of My Mind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siLNp7HO66E

Nightcore ↬ Blame It On The Kids [lyrics]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aGhJmF7i6s

Nightcore ↬ I Don't Exist [lyrics]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzgwqhgg9t8

Unlike Pluto - Now I Don't Care
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn2g764Tnw8

5 Seconds Of Summer - Valentine (Official Audio)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIvvitrK49Q

Hey Guy’s

So before I get into how I have been I want to thank you all so much. I reached over a 100 fans and that is insane. I have been working on my stuff for not even to long and everyone is willing to follow me. when I started out I never thought I would even be worth watching and people would just skip over me but I guess I was wrong ^^ some of you I have talked to and are awesome to have around as support and even if I don’t see a lot of comments (what I would like because I want to hear what you guy’s think ) I am so greatfull for you bringing me this far. Without your help I couldn’t have done it thank all of you so much and I’ll be looking forward to making more content for you all ^^  (btw under that will be how I have been so also planning to make something special for you all for the above 100 fans but have to see when to do that)

How I am:

So as some of you might know I have been away for a while. Not only from reacting to people but also on my posting. The last months has been kinda disaster for me and that has been mentally really draining. It is insane how much energy I had to spend on college as well as all the problems around that and other problems. As well as yesterday something horrible happened and I got really suiscidle thoughts. That hasn’t happened in a while since I got a good support but that guy hurt me in worst possible way I can imagen that he could do and then him changing his mind.

If something is fucked up then it are my feelings right now. I am really looking forward to getting my week free next week. I want to recharge my battery and be mentally okay again. I honestly don’t really know what to do beside just do nothing that week. I don’t want to see my friends (I did that last week) or go anywhere where people are. People have been getting on my nerves, they have been leading me to roads that just end as well as the thing of yesterday that completely broke me down.

I won’t get into details with it and I don’t want anybody to act on it unless I say it is okay but this guy I care about so much about broke my heart. He said some stuff and that meant basically that he broke our bond that we had toghter. He basically kicked me down the steps (not litterly btw) but still. He is someone I care about so much and he just did  that what got me into such a suiscidle mood. I thought I was better off dead then anything else. The pressure and how people have been fucking me over the last month got to much for me and he was my only hold on to reality to say it that way.

Before he got home again (because he had to leave to catch the bus to get home) I was so devisated and I called a good friend of mine. I know him for 2 years now and a lot longer than the other guy and I wanted someone to talk to. We don’t talk often on call but I just needed someone there. I wanted to write a post but I didn’t think that was a good idea because I felt worthless and I am but even more then. Someone I cared about suddenly cared less about me. so I called one of my best friends (the guy I know for 2 years now) and we talked. I read him some messages of the conversation and we  talked a bit and then we just started to joke around and it made me happy. Atleast happier than I was before what was not happy at all.

So the other guy that broke my heart came home after an hour went to eat and then we talked for a bit. I just ended the call with my best friend and we started talking. He send me a message before hand but I wanted to end the call with my best friend first (I wanted to like grab him into the call with us but he didn’t react because he was eating and it was getting late for me) I read his message after he was done eating and  he said he regreted what he did and he wanted me back.

I called him and asked him what was going on and why he said it in the first place. He doesn’t know and I still don’t know either. It is just one huge mystery what sucks. He said it wasn’t my fault but I told him I felt that way. He wanted me to hate him but of course I didn’t. I hated more myself than anyone else. I didn’t think I deserved anything anymore and that I only excist to be tortuterd and it is kinda true I guess. Not like being tortured but I haven’t had like something spectacular good happening in my life its mostly just bad things with okay days inbetween.

Anyway he said it was a mistake and I forgave him with the sentence ‘’I will forgive you but I won’t forget and you will have  to work your ass off to earn the trust back that you lost’’ I am not sure if that was the right sentence but still. I talked in college to some classmates about it and one I talk to a lot said it is better for me to break it off and that I am way to good for him. I don’t agree with that but I know I will keep it in mind that I don’t let him off to easy. What he did to me that night was horrible and should never have happened. We could have talked about how he felt about the whole situation.

I asked him if it was because he felt pitty for me and he said no. I am not interly sure if that is true and he really missed me or not but he will have to prove that. That he really cares and not just as a {insert word here} (not going to tell you what he called me not something bad at all but it still down grades me on a friendship/relationship kinda way.

How I feel right now is confused. I am not even sure if that is a feeling to be honest but I don’t know what to do. I took him back of course because he made a mistake but I am scared he will do it again. He felt like that for 2 weeks and didn’t tell me a thing what fucking sucks. He was scared of how I react and I know it can be depressed but I hoped he trusted me enough.

I don’t feel like it is hopeless though. I think it can get better over time but he will have to work for it. I am not sure if he still cares for me the same way he did before or that he just does it out of pity and to be honest I don’t know even what he thinks of me. this has never happened to me and I don’t know what direction I am going in. I just hope it will turn out the right way and everything will be back to old times. I also hope he can trust me next time and talks to me about things like this. I just wish we had more time toghter to talk about it but we don’t. he is mostly away so I am here alone most of the time. anyway idk what to say more than that. Life has been a dick to me the last month or more and I am getting kinda sick of it but atleast I have a free week next week so that’s good. Anyway that’s a bit that has been going on for me. sorry for the long message.

Anyway have a wonderfull day and I hope you all are having better week then me.

~N

Also here is some music I have been lissening to:

Whethan - Be Like You (feat. Broods)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6ebSfXxW1Q

Arrested Youth – Mirrors
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgZowkPGep8
 

Cadmium - Be With You (feat. Grant Dawson)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHc50Tq2wg

Unlike Pluto - Closure (Year 09)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgrYmgfEKw

◤Nightcore◢ ↬ Genius [Switching Vocals]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKKaw9gmI6E

Slenderbodies - Take You Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB8nYWzrawk

Nightcore ↬ Got That Fire [lyrics]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXYPxIP7UB4

♪ Nightcore: do u even miss me at all?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvR-GwuS7Bk

「Nightcore」→ What's Love (Lyrics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK9SAt-Hqtw

REOL - Endless EP [Last EP before their Disbandment]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLaOGQEZV1A

(and of course can’t forget my awesome fans ^^:
@AdventVoice               @AliceInCampFe @Andrew-Schafer @3AceNG             @Atp505 @Banana-head @Carlos01 @CensorDodge               @CocoVersi @CoolNinjaTMNTfan @Croude @DaneeWive @DawnTheNightmaren @Dj-Compact @Doodlyartz @Dray2018 @firedagger01 @Gamedestroy @GDZaphkielVex @HazzaTimmy                @IamDCMarque @Jabicho @JamesHatfeld @JohnEarthBreathGames @Joshuaoriade @KinoThe3rd @LordMoldemort @MassGas @MomoHibiki @Mr-Insanity97 @Natcl23            @passworld @Quisty @Realms22 @Rickard-spelar @rsonbie456 @S-Rollins           @shiro66699 @Skiddle @Spiderberry @SpookiiAito @StaticSkull @SuperPCGamer @Tadiel @TheDanceFloor    

@TheInnerScience @TheVenturer @TodukenMusic @TunisianMapping @Voltage @ADisonBareMore @Alexwilsoncomposer @Amadeion @Ante45 @AUTAKU @botnot435 @cat911 @Cholos @connorhandke @crazygamer2003 @CryNN @DarkDruid5 @Distroyer120 @dmarubloodtooth @drake-rex @EMBL3M @G4CEsz-Official @Gareque @GobSmacked @HLULANI @Icy-DaYo @Jake87Game @JMations98 @Joifish @JustAPunnyGuy @kungfuspacebarbarian

@M4dMonst3r @Mochipet @Moondesire @mrbadazz @PancakePocket @PlayKncino             @RavenGMD @RevolverKakyoin @Roseyeong @RydiaLockheart @SaghaleyLewis @Sketchii @SmashMellowz @SpitfireNation @ss4GOKU890 @stewardhklarlover @T3xno @TAJones20 @TheDyingSun      

@thesupermecha637 @ThiefOfVoid @TriForge443 @Unicorns223 @WiLD11 @Wondermeow              

@zwm @Zophar

(thank you so much for reading and support I hope to see you all in the future)

~N

Hey guy's,

So it has been two weeks since i posted anything or atleast posted anything. right now i wanted to all let you know how i am doing and that is not great. i started classes what has been going great. like every person is awesome or atleast the people i have met are really nice but it has been tiring. like really tiring. i like hanging around with them and all and there not bad people at all but with everything that has been going on with me it has been exhausting. 

i try to stay positive especially because that is the only thing i can do but some things have been going on that have been rough. even though that i still try to help people out but it has been stopping me from talking to some friends of mine as well as reacting on others and i am sorry for that. for me there has been going on some personal stuff and that has taken a tole on me. like not a small tole but a big one luckly i got some people around me who can keep me up and help out but still. i have been more into myself and look very positive during classes what honestly is a miricle on it's own because i don't feel that way. 

in my personal life there has been things going back and forth to get something inportant done so i can get further but it has been hard. i and someone i care about alot lash out sometimes to each other because he is in the situation as well. it gets us both stressed out even if we don't show it. (also right now my throwt hurts. i don't know why but stiill. hope that goes away soon as well) anyway i wanted you all to know that i have been okay for the most part. if i don't react to you i am terribily sorry but just a day takes off alot of energy that i can't really just get back. it's a huge weight on my shoulders and it takes some time and rest to really come back fully. of course i will but right now it's a bit hard. 

if i answer you late you kinda know why now. i never intend to hurt you or others but me not reacting could cause that and that isn't good. i think i see every message it's just hard to react with so much going on the whole time. i am sorry if i made someone worry as well. i'll try to get through this even though it is rough. anyway that was my little update.

i hope everyone is doing okay (and better than me :p ) but yah try to stay 
positive and i will try to be there soon again. 
anyway have a wonderfull day. 

~N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pocHF13Qnmo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PeZsU6ovtg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjt6Fd88gcc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avg4mOJRaDU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9nLvWHBdbk

Hey Guy's

So it feels like I haven’t been writing in a while, that’s because in my personal some stuff has been going on that gives me a lot of stress. Luckly I got my wonderfull boyfriend, friends as well as all the support on NG that give me hope throughout the day. Unfortunally the stress results in of course stress, worrying, and break downs. Luckly they haven’t been as bad as I had them before but they still suck. The situation I am in I have been in for weeks what costs a lot of mental labor as well as my own mental health hasn’t been great because of it but like I said I have been keeping up. If nobody was there I would have felt way worse. Anyway so besides that I just wanted to talk and let you know what has been going on with me.

The last couple days I have been very busy, not only with the situation but also with spending some time with my bf, (because we can’t really see each other through out the day) so every second is precious, but I also have been trying to forget the world a bit with music, working on idea’s of art as well as thinking of a way for new audio. What is one thing I wanted to talk about as well.

In the past two months (I think) I have been posting more audio. Of course it isn’t a whole lot but it’s still something what I am proud of. I have only seen music on NG and starting out with this was kind of a risk for me because I was/am doing something I haven’t seen someone else doing on here. I of course could be wrong but personally I haven’t seen anyone posting audio poems, scripts and soon adventure stories ^^ what made it very scary at first as well as finding an voice actor was a challenge.

I have spoken to some voice actors and it was mostly a no because I couldn’t pay them or they never reacted. Of course that is fine but that broke my little heart that I have left a bit because I just wanted to start out with audio and litterly nobody was willing to help me out (also I wasn’t above the I think 50 fans) what compaired to them is I guess someone small. While I think that’s still really freaking awesome.

But of course one day I found this amazing guy @TheEighthHour who was willing to help out. I of course lissend to his voice demo first (because I can’t invite someone to a project if I don’t like there voice in the first place) but I really liked it. I am so glad he was able to help me out and right now we have collab 4 times with so many projects in the future, or atleast I hope so ^^

I also was scared of the reactions I might get because the audio portal isn’t a small place. A lot of people have strong opinions but until now I just got so many good reactions. Litterly nobody has been mean to me and everyone has been so supportive ^^ and a guy also scouted me (unfortunally I can’t find his name for some reason but if you read this thank you so much. I am so gratefull) especially after I got scouted the audio me and Eighth made got so many lisseners what is absolutely insane but awesome at the same time.

And in the near future I am planning something even more awesome. Right now I only have poems I made as well as I am kinda out of script idea’s but don’t worry there will still be those as well. But I also wanted to put my writing skills to the test. I wanted to make an interactive story telling audio.

In that audio you will be the main character going through some situations and not like a normal audio where you just have to hear the story. No I want you to be able to choose your action. There will be multible paths you can take with each of them going a really different route. I don’t want it to end the same way. This will be a major challenge on my part because how will you put that down on paper because it will be a whole family tree line of stories all with a different route.

For me it will be hard because I have to figure out how to place it all where each story line ends different and you have enough choices to choose from. But I think I would love it. I always loved where I could choose my own path and I hope you will to. I will try to start out small but make it bigger when it goes on. I just hope everyone takes it well. (also I need to make the choices clear so there will be no confusion) I also probably will make a playlist with the different stories and chapters if there ever are one. I asked Eighth about it and he was fine with it so I am excited. Just need to figure out how to do all this ^^ also to be clear you will be able  to die early on if you make the wrong turn but you can get out of it if you make a smart descision but I won’t be doing any mercy things :p

I just hope you all like this idea. Anyway this where basically all my thoughts and I wanted to post this because I am bored and I am waiting for a reply from some people ^^ (haven’t checked NG yet but I will after I post this) but anyway I have been rambeling way to long. I hope everyone is having a good day and otherwise I hope it will be getting better soon.

~N

(enjoy some music i just found and enjoy lissening to it ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFKy-nk1kPs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-HeBLox0bY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1BHf-1rb04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xVrCUKYoSA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDCaEX-hwP0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kGAeINm1Kk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TmYZTivC5FI

Hey Guy's,

So as some might now I have had some struggles after the person who copied my posts and copied from my at the time friend. The guy who copied does it to others on facebook and his other pages as well so look out for that. If you want to know his name you can find it in my other post. Anyway since the last month some things have changed. Not only have I been accepted in my school while everyone didn’t believe I would get in and needed a second choice I also found someone I love right now very much.

I had doubts to post this because some people might not approve and I didn’t want to post it early on because that would seem weird. Right now we have been a month toghter and it has been one of my better months this year. He just came in my life after one of my bests months this year what I don’t have to often but he did.

I have had some rough days where my depression kicks in very badly but he sticks by me until it gets better what means the world to me. I can’t show him physically how much I love him because its hard to do but I can do it with actions and gifts. I am glad he came into my life and I want to share that with everyone. It’s something I am proud of and am so happy about.

He is so caring as well as sweet and sometimes he jokes around and talks like he is a drama queen what is funny to see. I am surprised he fell in love with me and I with him because I didn’t believe love would happen for me. I also feel good in this relationship what in another relationship in the past wasn’t the case in the end. I can talk with him about anything and he helps me through it. Especially because I have a fucked up past and feelings I don’t want to often talk about and it doesn’t bother him at all.

I know I might not be the best person and I might not be perfect in aspects but I am glad he likes me for me and to be honest I couldn’t have wished for someone better. Right now he is the person I want in my life most and I am glad he is. I am on the same time super excited for the future but also scared of what it will hold.

For me right now I want to be more open with him and let everyone know I love and care so much about him ^^ I hope I can share our adventures with you and as well as just be happy. I hope I found the one this time. I want to be there for him and help him out as well as I or try to be for others.

I just wanted to share this part of my life because it has made me so much happier. I know not everyone will approve of us and I know some people can be judging about it but I still want you guy’s to know how important he has been to me. we still talk every day and I am always looking forward to it.

anyway i have been rambeling about him for a bit now so I’ll stop ^^ I hope everyone is having an awesome day and otherwise I hope it will get better and to remind everyone I am always open to ask help from. Sometimes it might take a bit of time but still I’ll try to help out. Anyway have a good day ^^

~N

(here is some music you can enjoy ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu9OFey0gr0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WU6wtRQ5zdk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHEm_Im7JP4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHUkHCcXuN0

Hey Guy's 

so as some might now a couple weeks some guy coppied my stuff as well as my friends. the update for that is he deleted all his posts except from one that i guess is his own but i am not sure. (if you want to check it out in another post i talked about. it's called: (a warning for everyone) what i absolutly not appreaciate. i here tried explaining what happend the icon of the guy is a blue background with a white cartoon character) anyway i wanted to tell you all what has been going trough my mind since then.

of course i had my awesome friend who had is birthday what i am so happy about that he liked his birthday gift and i made an awesome relationship where i am happy in as well been to my first party (that i am wanted at) with LGBTQ+ people (what was so awesome and i felt so at home) but beside that doubt has been going through my head. 

the guy who copied just a post gave me doubt about alot of things. the biggest doubt i have is on NG itself. i of course try to trust everyone as much as i can and take there word as they are and expect them to say the truth but because of him i started to doubt some of my own help. 

i always react on posts from people and before him i did it alot even if it was a small post or something like i am new here. i always commented on them and gave advice to people as well as welcome them to NG. right now with every post i check out i litterly doubt if i have to comment something in case someone has other intentions. my mind goes wild and i doubt that i would even help out and that people will take advantage of something i did. i didn't have it bad and i know that but i already have trust issues with letting people into my life and this gave it a massive kick back to where i was before what sucks alot. i know i had a small taste of what people have to go through dailly and for me this already gives me something i worry about for a week now what is totall bullsh*t because i shouldn't care but i do. 

for me taking or copying something without asking something from someone is like taking a peace of them away. it's something that is or was close to them and just pretending it is you what isn't okay. for me personally this makes me sick to my stumach litterly and it effects something in my life what is helping people and letting them feel like there welcome. i love doing this and making people feel like there wanted here and showing them that there are people who care about what you have to say and giving advice to people who really need it. i like doing that because that's the only thing that makes me feel less worthless about myself, because i feel like i have a purpose and that is making people feel better. support is the biggest thing you can give someone and if i am the one who can do that i want to be that person. but because of this one effent i look at every move i make, think about every out come and makes me doubt helping people what i hate about myself right now. it's not okay to me that i am doubting it. and i am sorry because of this if i can't be there for someone even  if it is a small thing. i wanted to say i am sorry. 

i hope i can doubt myself less and less sooner and be back again helping out as many people as i can but right now 
everything i do i doubt and unfortunally i can't do anything about that. anyway if you ever need my help my inbox is open and i will try to help you if i can. anyway i hope to be feeling less doubt soon. 

anyway i hope you all are having an awesome day ^^ 
 

~N 

(also enjoy the new music i found ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DCX2k9WZMo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9k_1abzFccM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMlAoiOrfYI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMw59lReWHQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wENwDr-8WIc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm9tz2vTmd0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwWXhdMSc64