so it's this time a month again. i am have been not feeling well mentally and i am sometimes on the point of breaking down. i haven't also been honest to friends and all of you about how i feel. i never said or lied about it but i have not told anyone about it or atleast not talked about it. mabey some of you have picked up on some of the signals like i haven't talked about anything good in a while now. for friends it is more obvious like i haven't been talking as much and i have been avoiding the quistion ''how are you doing?'' with ''it's nothing inportant'' or ''i am doing a bit worse but it is nothing to worry about i will fix it'' but this time i feel lost.
how it started is this: around 3 to 4 weeks ago i reunited with an starting friendship. i will not say who he is because i don't want anyone to get hate. it started out fine and i was hoping for a new beginning. i wanted to make more friends that i could talk to and have fun with and he was my first atempt (kinda) i wanted to get out there and collab and as i said make friends who care about me and not have some friendships that are just fake and are just an accept clicking on a screen. we started to talk and in the first few days it already went down hill to be honest. he showed up for a little bit and when he promised we would call that day for a time (so around 30 minutes to an hour) he wouldn't show up or would call for 5 to 10 minutes, and i was fine with that but he promised we would talk. we talked a bit online and i cried on a call because i felt left out and abandond, uniportant, and like i was just something to throw away. i said to him ''i don't care if you don't react at all or don't talk on this call but i need you to know that'' he reacted and soon after he i guess tried to change it. he promised he would chat the other day and we did for a bit. he said he couldn't because of work and i was fine with that, i gave him two birthday poems that day. we talked. that 5 to 10 minute talk was this talk. i even made an extra poem waiting for him so he could be more suprised. he said we would talk more the next day because he felt bad and i was totally fine with that. i was happy it finally worked (because with the first call my mic wasn't working so yah) but that day it went wrong.
how it went wrong was very quickly. we had an awesome hour talk and we talked about anime we watched, what the best one was and our first one. just experiences and hobies etc. etc. but after a time his phone was dead. he never told me that while we where calling so it was just an end of call in the middle of talking. no bye just an end. what was very confusing for my side because i didn't know. i was like ''okay his phone is probebly dead i just need to call him back'' and i tried like a couple times because that is probebly what everyone would do when a call sudenly ends. but what i found out later i got really upset about. so first i need to explain this, the guy has a gf he calls with every day and he told me he calls her around 12. so around midnight. for him it was still 10 pm so we still had two hours to kill basiclly. and here is where it went wrong. so where i was was here. i called him and after like 30 to 45 minutes or more he reacted back. before that i send to him ''i think something went wrong XD'' not knowing what was about to happen. he told me that his phone died and i was fine until he said he was calling with his gf.
i felt i was replaced. he didn't say anything inbetween and the whole time he was calling with his gf while we where still in a conversation before and he knew i was waiting for him. i felt like i was trash and that i was replaced. i told him how i felt and he said sorry but he couldn't ignore her. i get that but i was so upset because for more than a week i tried to get him to call me more than like 15 minutes or less and now was this time. this time was for us to talk and he promised he would the day before. he couldn't even say to his gf (who he calls every night) that he has a call he has to finish but i had to figure it out myself. i am still upset.... it feels still like i have been replaced and when i tried to explain that you can't just leave someone hanging like that he left. i wanted to fix it but he left. i am still stuck with the guilt so badly and every day i wait and wait and wait but nothing. i called him, messaged him on two different things and it hurts. it's like i am the bad guy and i probebly am but it has been eating me away on the inside.
that started my whole thing again and i have been tumbeling down these stairs of sadness that have become worse and worse. and i can't get of them but i can't reach for help because i am ashamed of myself. i only tried to fix it and after three to four weeks i have been punishing myself mentally so badlly and i want everything to stop. i want my head to stop. and i want to be happy again and join a conversation but i can't. all the pain from when i was youngher came back again and i want to solve problems that are there but i can't and i get trapped in this cage of thought and self hate and i almost cried infront of someone today because i couldn't take it anymore. it is terrible....
my mental state have been going down since that day, but i can't bring myself to seek help with friends because i feel emberrassed, and ashamed. so this is my scream of help. i don't mind if your not willing to comment or don't even care about who i am. i don't mind if you hate me or worse. i just want you all to know that i am gratefull for if you read trough this. and if your willing to help out thank you so much in advance. i just hope you all can understand that i am not doing well but i hope i will be soon and if i am not fast with reacting that i am probebly trying to fix what is going on right now. anyway thank you all for reading this worthless talk. mabey i'll see you in the future .
(and to my friends: i am sorry that all of you had to find out this way. i am sorry i didn't tell you sooner but i am already ashamed of all the problems i have and i don't want to be a burden to anyone. i wanted to let it slide try to forget and try to find selutions with a clear mind and without self hate but i couldn't. i'm sorry that i didn't share this with you but i can't and i couldn't at the time. right now i just want you to know this because i don't know. i think this is the right time. i'm sorry)