Hey Guy’s

So before I get into how I have been I want to thank you all so much. I reached over a 100 fans and that is insane. I have been working on my stuff for not even to long and everyone is willing to follow me. when I started out I never thought I would even be worth watching and people would just skip over me but I guess I was wrong ^^ some of you I have talked to and are awesome to have around as support and even if I don’t see a lot of comments (what I would like because I want to hear what you guy’s think ) I am so greatfull for you bringing me this far. Without your help I couldn’t have done it thank all of you so much and I’ll be looking forward to making more content for you all ^^  (btw under that will be how I have been so also planning to make something special for you all for the above 100 fans but have to see when to do that)

How I am:

So as some of you might know I have been away for a while. Not only from reacting to people but also on my posting. The last months has been kinda disaster for me and that has been mentally really draining. It is insane how much energy I had to spend on college as well as all the problems around that and other problems. As well as yesterday something horrible happened and I got really suiscidle thoughts. That hasn’t happened in a while since I got a good support but that guy hurt me in worst possible way I can imagen that he could do and then him changing his mind.

If something is fucked up then it are my feelings right now. I am really looking forward to getting my week free next week. I want to recharge my battery and be mentally okay again. I honestly don’t really know what to do beside just do nothing that week. I don’t want to see my friends (I did that last week) or go anywhere where people are. People have been getting on my nerves, they have been leading me to roads that just end as well as the thing of yesterday that completely broke me down.

I won’t get into details with it and I don’t want anybody to act on it unless I say it is okay but this guy I care about so much about broke my heart. He said some stuff and that meant basically that he broke our bond that we had toghter. He basically kicked me down the steps (not litterly btw) but still. He is someone I care about so much and he just did  that what got me into such a suiscidle mood. I thought I was better off dead then anything else. The pressure and how people have been fucking me over the last month got to much for me and he was my only hold on to reality to say it that way.

Before he got home again (because he had to leave to catch the bus to get home) I was so devisated and I called a good friend of mine. I know him for 2 years now and a lot longer than the other guy and I wanted someone to talk to. We don’t talk often on call but I just needed someone there. I wanted to write a post but I didn’t think that was a good idea because I felt worthless and I am but even more then. Someone I cared about suddenly cared less about me. so I called one of my best friends (the guy I know for 2 years now) and we talked. I read him some messages of the conversation and we  talked a bit and then we just started to joke around and it made me happy. Atleast happier than I was before what was not happy at all.

So the other guy that broke my heart came home after an hour went to eat and then we talked for a bit. I just ended the call with my best friend and we started talking. He send me a message before hand but I wanted to end the call with my best friend first (I wanted to like grab him into the call with us but he didn’t react because he was eating and it was getting late for me) I read his message after he was done eating and  he said he regreted what he did and he wanted me back.

I called him and asked him what was going on and why he said it in the first place. He doesn’t know and I still don’t know either. It is just one huge mystery what sucks. He said it wasn’t my fault but I told him I felt that way. He wanted me to hate him but of course I didn’t. I hated more myself than anyone else. I didn’t think I deserved anything anymore and that I only excist to be tortuterd and it is kinda true I guess. Not like being tortured but I haven’t had like something spectacular good happening in my life its mostly just bad things with okay days inbetween.

Anyway he said it was a mistake and I forgave him with the sentence ‘’I will forgive you but I won’t forget and you will have  to work your ass off to earn the trust back that you lost’’ I am not sure if that was the right sentence but still. I talked in college to some classmates about it and one I talk to a lot said it is better for me to break it off and that I am way to good for him. I don’t agree with that but I know I will keep it in mind that I don’t let him off to easy. What he did to me that night was horrible and should never have happened. We could have talked about how he felt about the whole situation.

I asked him if it was because he felt pitty for me and he said no. I am not interly sure if that is true and he really missed me or not but he will have to prove that. That he really cares and not just as a {insert word here} (not going to tell you what he called me not something bad at all but it still down grades me on a friendship/relationship kinda way.

How I feel right now is confused. I am not even sure if that is a feeling to be honest but I don’t know what to do. I took him back of course because he made a mistake but I am scared he will do it again. He felt like that for 2 weeks and didn’t tell me a thing what fucking sucks. He was scared of how I react and I know it can be depressed but I hoped he trusted me enough.

I don’t feel like it is hopeless though. I think it can get better over time but he will have to work for it. I am not sure if he still cares for me the same way he did before or that he just does it out of pity and to be honest I don’t know even what he thinks of me. this has never happened to me and I don’t know what direction I am going in. I just hope it will turn out the right way and everything will be back to old times. I also hope he can trust me next time and talks to me about things like this. I just wish we had more time toghter to talk about it but we don’t. he is mostly away so I am here alone most of the time. anyway idk what to say more than that. Life has been a dick to me the last month or more and I am getting kinda sick of it but atleast I have a free week next week so that’s good. Anyway that’s a bit that has been going on for me. sorry for the long message.

Anyway have a wonderfull day and I hope you all are having better week then me.

~N

Also here is some music I have been lissening to:

Whethan - Be Like You (feat. Broods)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6ebSfXxW1Q

Arrested Youth – Mirrors
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VgZowkPGep8
 

Cadmium - Be With You (feat. Grant Dawson)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHc50Tq2wg

Unlike Pluto - Closure (Year 09)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgrYmgfEKw

◤Nightcore◢ ↬ Genius [Switching Vocals]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKKaw9gmI6E

Slenderbodies - Take You Home
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB8nYWzrawk

Nightcore ↬ Got That Fire [lyrics]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXYPxIP7UB4

♪ Nightcore: do u even miss me at all?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvR-GwuS7Bk

「Nightcore」→ What's Love (Lyrics)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK9SAt-Hqtw

REOL - Endless EP [Last EP before their Disbandment]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLaOGQEZV1A

(and of course can’t forget my awesome fans ^^:
@AdventVoice               @AliceInCampFe @Andrew-Schafer @3AceNG             @Atp505 @Banana-head @Carlos01 @CensorDodge               @CocoVersi @CoolNinjaTMNTfan @Croude @DaneeWive @DawnTheNightmaren @Dj-Compact @Doodlyartz @Dray2018 @firedagger01 @Gamedestroy @GDZaphkielVex @HazzaTimmy                @IamDCMarque @Jabicho @JamesHatfeld @JohnEarthBreathGames @Joshuaoriade @KinoThe3rd @LordMoldemort @MassGas @MomoHibiki @Mr-Insanity97 @Natcl23            @passworld @Quisty @Realms22 @Rickard-spelar @rsonbie456 @S-Rollins           @shiro66699 @Skiddle @Spiderberry @SpookiiAito @StaticSkull @SuperPCGamer @Tadiel @TheDanceFloor    

@TheInnerScience @TheVenturer @TodukenMusic @TunisianMapping @Voltage @ADisonBareMore @Alexwilsoncomposer @Amadeion @Ante45 @AUTAKU @botnot435 @cat911 @Cholos @connorhandke @crazygamer2003 @CryNN @DarkDruid5 @Distroyer120 @dmarubloodtooth @drake-rex @EMBL3M @G4CEsz-Official @Gareque @GobSmacked @HLULANI @Icy-DaYo @Jake87Game @JMations98 @Joifish @JustAPunnyGuy @kungfuspacebarbarian

@M4dMonst3r @Mochipet @Moondesire @mrbadazz @PancakePocket @PlayKncino             @RavenGMD @RevolverKakyoin @Roseyeong @RydiaLockheart @SaghaleyLewis @Sketchii @SmashMellowz @SpitfireNation @ss4GOKU890 @stewardhklarlover @T3xno @TAJones20 @TheDyingSun      

@thesupermecha637 @ThiefOfVoid @TriForge443 @Unicorns223 @WiLD11 @Wondermeow              

@zwm @Zophar

(thank you so much for reading and support I hope to see you all in the future)

~N