Hey Guy's,

So a really good and close friend of mine had his birthday a couple days ago. i couldn't make a present for him right away but i told him i would so i did today. i was a bit dissapointed in myself that i couldn't get it done in time (because i knew one day priour) but i still wanted to give him a present he can enjoy reading. it isn't much but i wrote it full emotions or how i feel about it ^^ i hope you and everyone else likes reading it. i litterly just finished it and wanted to share it with him and all of you so you know i care alot about him ^^ he means alot to me so here is your present. i will talk a bit before that but still enjoy <3

Dear @JamesHatfeld 

Your one of my closest friends like i said before. you mean the world to me and i am sorry i couldn't do as much for you. i can't send you a present or something (also wouldn't be good at like sending it or choosing your present as well it has less value i think then this) i told you i wanted to give you something and you said it was fine but it isn't for me. i want to show you how much i care about you and want to give you this gift to remember. i hope it means something to you and i even hope more that you enjoy reading iit. (mabey i will even suprise you more :p in the future) anyway Happy Birthday and i hope we will know each other for so much longer. and i hope i will be able to talk you more in the future.anyway here is your birthday poem freshly writen for you ^^ 

My Birthday Brother: 

Your light is bigger than the brightest star.
Your sweetnes doesn't know bounderies.
Your golden heart you share with everyone,
and your lights dance everywhere when you go somewhere.

when we first met your golden heart gave me a gift.
the gift of showing who i am to the world.
the courage to show myself to others.

you opend a new door into a whole new room. 
full of beauty and wonders,
but also full off shadows that are not shown.

You open jars for me that i never thought would be opend again.
you showed your light in so many ways. 
you where like a rainbow after the rain.

one of the friends i can trust is you. 
your heart of gold makes you unique and special,
and i hope it will never go away. 

i never asked from you anything, 
i never expected anything from you and still you made my 
expectations go through the roof.

you are one of the two people who made me cry of happiness.
your smile and seeing you makes my day. 
even though i can't see you every day i think about you.

my thoughts fly away like birds to another land.
where i fantasise the day that we can meet again.
where we can have fun toghter and laugh.
you gave me so much more things than i can imagen.

i don't mean the physical stuff although that means alot. 
i mean the happiness that you brought me,
the jokes you told me, the smile you gave me,
the stories, fears, dreams and so much more you shared.

your special to me even though i am not always there.
i still care for you as my big brother. 
i still see you as someone very dear to me. 
i still think about how we can talk. 

and every single moment and second i spend with you is special.
your special and i wanted you to know that. 
for your birthday this is your gift. 

never forget that i care for you dearly.

so that was the gift i made for you ^^ i hope everyone liked it and i even hope more that you liked it. thanks for all the support you have given me E and sticking by my side from the beginning litterly and being happy for me and see me grow. it means the world to me that your there for me so thank you so much for everything ^^ 

~N

(here is some music you guy's can enjoy ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RyumlCAXagQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIecKdwBodk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AzdeTNAW1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2r1eJhhI8w

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9ycr7FBEHU

Hey guy's 

So to be honest i wasn't planning to make this post today but something happend what i absolutly don't appreaciate.
but what happend today crosses a big red line for me. so let me tell you what happend. 

Like always i go to everyones post i find intressting and try to help out, give advice, say hello, welcome them. just as always i come across this page: saulo-sergio  (i will not put an @ infront of it because i don't want him to notice this right away) anyway as allways i comment on a post of his and i move on and wait on a reaction.  today i got a notification from someone called @ZebraHumor who helped me out. he mentioned me in a comment on saulo's latest post. i saw that post but didn't react on it because i wasn't paying attention and i was tired as well as talking to a good friend of mine. but because of @ZebraHumor i noticed today. he litterly coppied my very first post i ever made on NG. i was really upset because of that but i wasn't angry yet. 

eventually i did some digging what wasn't hard to do. i hear from Zebra that S copied his stuff as well and i searched and it wasn't hard to find at all. he copied everything but the tittle. this made me of course more upset and i send a message to @Tomfulp to let him know about this. (with the evidence) unfortunally one of my new and good friends has been a victim to this as well because of me. i was talking to @Natcl23  and told him about what was happenng and he stood by me for the whole thing while it was happening. because he cared he commented on S his page and like not even minutes later S posted again. and he coppied @Natcl23  last post as well. this is not okay. and i absolutly don't appreaciate that. this is not okay in any way shape or form. if you want to see it for yourself you can go to his page but i am warning you like with me good friend Nat i am afraid if  you comment on something you will fall victim to his copying as well and i would hate that to happen. 

to make very clear how i think about this. i spoke some peace of my mind in a comment on my copied post. i of course didn't say everything but if anybody reads this who copies or if S reads this i want to say this:

i care about every single person in every way. for some people i have alot of care some others less but i still care. every single person i come across i want to be and feel okay and i have respect for every single person. unless you copy stuff (and some other things but i will not get into that). copying stuff unless it is from  yourself to another page that is fine but copying from others isn't okay and you lose my respect the more you do it. if you have done it once and you apologized i can forgive you, if you have done it twice and you really regret it i can forgive you still. but if you even after 3 times haven't apologized and said your sorry, or if you have done it 3 times or more and got caught and still haven't done anything like stopped and apologized i am sorry to say but you lost my respect. 

with copying others stuff you not only hurt them and make them feel horrible you also make a fool of  yourself. if you even get caught i would think you should stop because someone already caught you and what is the point of it anyway. your not getting more fans out of it, your only getting bad attention if more people know and that isn't okay i assume. if your copying someone elses words, art, or other creations i want you to know that that isn't okay and it will only give you bad attention if someone finds out and i don't want that to happen. go make your own work or creations or if you want to share something else from someone else ask the person and if they say no than it stayes a no. don't upload it than anyway. 

to the people who where copied from: i am sorry. this is the first time this happend to me and it sucks so much. i knew it sucked but i kinda froze for a bit. of course i knew kinda what to do but still what if it doesn't stop with me or you. it will only hurt more people and i don't want that to happen that is also why i wanted to warn you all. i love my friends and keep them very dear to my heart and i got so frustrated when he also did it to my friend. that is not cool. i hope he stops soon and if your getting copied from that it will stop for you as well. 

anyway i wanted to warn you all for this  because i don't want this to happen to others. i hope i could help out atleast a little bit. i wanted to share this so you all would be aware of this. anyway i hope everyone is having a wonderfull day. 

~N

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PA6JBhUhn8

Hey Guy’s
So to make clear I am feeling so much better. I have been having the best few days in months and I have been enjoying myself more. I started dancing more, and I am starting drawing again slowly after a month of being stuck. So for feeling better I wanted to tell you that the post I made before this wasn’t feeling down. I felt okay but I wanted to share my experience but even after that I had a couple downs but I came back up. I took a break for a couple days from friends so calm down from my overwhelming situation (a good situation btw) but it got a bit much but right now I have been feeling really well especially after I heard I was allowed into my next school where I am going to study to become a game artist what I am so excited about. It was such a stressful ride with that because I had no second options as well as this was the only thing I was interested in as well as I was on a waiting list. It was terrible to hear from people around me that I was dumb to not have a second option and that I wouldn’t make it in. it sucked to hear that and only a few stood by my side and believed I had a big chance of getting in anyway and I did. And that feeling is awesome ^^

So for the acetoin I will tell you all a bit about myself. I looked up some questions that I will be answering for you so you will get to know me. of course I will keep some things private like my past, where I am from, what my age is as well as some other things. I am not comfortable with stuff like that and mabey in the next questions I will explain why ^^ anyway I hope you enjoy reading this little getting to know me part ^^

- If you had a chance for a “do-over” in life, what would you do differently?

to be honest I wouldn’t do any big ‘’do-overs’’ because I want things to stay the same even though I have been through some stuff I absolutely hate. It makes me the person who I am today but if I had to choose a ‘’do-over’’ it would be simple. I would change some things I said to others. Like with my ‘’newest friend’’ what I was upset about I should have let the situation go and never confronted him about leaving me hang for more than half an hour (long story short: we where talking for 45 minutes and his phone desided to die. I was okay with that but his gf called and he started to talk to her without saying a thing to me. I had to pry it out of him and he wanted to tell me ‘’later’’ and made the excuse he couldn’t say to his gf he was talking to me. unfortunally this lead to a minor argument and he has been ignoring me for more than a month while I am trying to contact me. if you want to know more there is a post somewhere where I explain the whole story) anyway I shouldn’t have said anything because mabey we would have talked. As well as I should have handeld it differently with some others what I regret but that is all.

-What do you feel most proud of?

I am not sure about this one. I think I am proud of making it this far. When I was youngher I was sure I wouldn’t make it another year but I survived years. So I think I am proud of surviving and being able to make friends and cheer people up ^^

-If you could travel anywhere, where would you go and why?

I think the first place I would go to is to Norway to be honest.  A really good friend of mine ( @JamesHatfeld ) lives there and I would love to visit him for once. He visited me before but I have never been to him before so I think when I am ready I will go there first and then to japan with a friend (not sure who) to explore there culture, and mabey next to south-korea. I would love to go to those places and why? I don’t know. I am a curious person I guess ^^

-How do you spend your free time?

Mostly like everyone else. I wake up in the morning make myself ready and eat breakfast as well as just doing my hobbies. I draw, write stories and poems, I cosplay or make cosplays or I watch tv, or hang out with my best friends. Nothing special :p and I play or watch games of course. I love action, sci-fi, fantasy and horrors games. I like a lot of games to be honest ^^ (latest game I played was the witcher 3. Really good game I think)

-If you won the lottery, what would you do?

That would be rare but I think I would save It and for now use it for my study supplies and study itself. That costs money but I would also save a part for when I need it in the future.

-Who do you most admire in life?

I think my dad. He has been through a shit storm as well and took care of me for my whole life and I love him with all my heart. He is one of my best friends and he lets me do my thing while giving advice. I really appreciate that. But when he has to be stern he will be but we always solve the problem together. We are a great team together.

-What are you most afraid of?

I am not afraid of a lot. The only thing I am afraid of is that I will end up alone. Of course I want to be alone sometimes but I also want to have friends and people around me who care about me and are willing to help out. Just like I want to be there for others I want people to help me up  when I need it for a change. I am open on NG about how I feel but in real life I keep my depressed side away from people because I lost people because of it. I am afraid for that. I hope in the future I will have people around me still even though I am queer, and am depressed. I want supportive people around me and luckly right now I have that ^^

-What is your strongest personal quality?

To be honest I have no idea. I think I am really stubborn. I have been told I am. I usually stick by my point especially if there is no proof from the other side my point is wrong :p what can be an awesome quality to have but also it can be a pain in the ass but my strongest point I am not sure of at all. You should ask some friends then because I have no clue ^^

-Are you an introvert or extrovert?

I am an introvert. I can be around a lot of people for an amount of time but after I have to be alone because I get drained energy so that is the only down side to that. But I still love to hang out with a lot of friends or going to a disco (I love music so that helps as well)

-Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Yup I have been before. It wasn’t really something hard for me but I will explain. I had a best friend I knew for around 12 years and that is a long time. She has another little brother two years youngher then we both are. Unfortunally the little abused her and I wasn’t about that. The little brother I will call him D was kicking her and hitting her what was not okay. The only person he was afraid of was me and his dad. As well as I was there to hang out with her he came around. So one day the parents where gone and we started to argue. (what we do sometimes) we went from upstairs to down stairs and I think the argument was about that we wanted to be left alone because it became annoying. The adult who was supposed to look after him was just watching and did nothing btw. But my ex best friend stepped inbetween with something in her hand to stop the fighting.

D started to kick and hit her and I wasn’t about it. I also swore a week ago that I would protect my friends if something happened to them so I stepped with a blank stare at him.  Grabbed him by his neck/head and pushed him against the wall while he was kicking and hitting me. I still has his nail marks in my  right arm. I started kinda yelling ‘’are you done?! Are you done?!’’ and after a while saying that in an loud and serious matter he said yes. Of course he still kicked me and hit me while trying to get me off him. He ran upstairs and yelled at me that I was a cancer child and that I should never have been born and some other stuff. I broke down afterwards because I did that and I never had done that before. Also the adult did nothing while this happened and I got all the blame (of course) from the mother but she hated me anyway so I could have expected that. So yah that happened :p

-Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)

Yup I have twice even. I did one half a year later and I got the same results. My result is INFJ or in words they call it the advocate. You can test yourself here and you can read my result if you want to as well. I also took my test here. https://www.16personalities.com/

-How would you explain your basic life philosophy?

My philosophy is: be nice to everyone because you never know what they have been going through.
I took that philosophy for myself because of my own experience and I want people to atleast have one person who has been nice to them in a day. The world isn’t a nice place and people can have been going trough some shit. I want to atleast give people a smile and a bit of hope. 

-If there’s one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?

Yah my hips. That is the only thing. I think they are to big but most say it is just fine but I just have to live with it so you know nothing  you can do about it. (besides sport or surgery and there is not going to be a surgery and I am trying to sport as much as I can)

-What are some of the first things you do in the morning?

Probably like everyone else. I go to the toilet, wash my hands (of course), brush my teeth (and if It is the weekend I play hard music while doing it) , brush my hair and after I make breakfast. Pretty simple if you ask me XD

-What style of clothing do you like to wear the most?

Right now I am experimenting a lot. Most would call me a tomboy but I don’t see myself as a girl anymore. So I experiment with clothes right now. I am wearing a binder with ‘’guy’s ‘’ clothes and sometimes I am more comfortable in a lose t-shirt while walking around. It depends on the day but the things I love wearing are flannels and hoodies. I don’t know why but I just do. I wear them in different ways and they look good on me so that makes me happy ^^

So that was my ‘’little’’ getting to know me better. I hope you learned some new things about me and if you have questions for me feel free to comment and I am happy to answer them. Anyway for the extra I wanted to tell you all this.

As some might have noticed I released my very first audio ^^ I was so excited when I first heard it and I was so glad it turned out super awesome. Of course I can’t have done it alone and I got help from this helpful person named @TheEighthHour he has been super awesome to work with and is super friendly as well. He was the only one to help  me out with the project. The bigger creators wanted money what I didn’t have and turned me down only for that reason from what I know what sucked but I found this awesome person who was willing to help me out. Right now we are working on a second project what will be coming out in the next two months I think (or more not sure yet) but I love working and talking to him and I am so gratefull that he gave me a chance.

Also I wanted to say thank you to @Natcl23 for  scouting me. I latterly never thought I would get scouted and poof he appeared  and scouted me what is so awesome and I really appreaciate that. It made me so happy so wanted to say a masiive thank you to him. As well as I want to thank @JamesHatfeld because he was the first one to step up as voice actor. Unfortunally he isn’t a pro what is a bummer but I still really appreaciate the thought ^^ he is an awesome guy who I love like my close brother so that is awesome ^^

So I am done thanking people and I wanted to thank you all for getting so far because this has been a long read (sorry for that) anyway I hoped you learned something about me and I hope to see everyone around more in the future as well ^^ anyway thanks for reading and here is some music you can enjoy for right now ^^ (just found these songs and I love them all ^^ )

~N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA0NJo50Hg0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FBbIbyNKNM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pGQdELEDhI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aa7UTVy2w4M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybxiMNAY35o

(i added some extra music ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nt6wYHa7hgk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0XTB29amW0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4q3Us4-uM8

Hey Guys, 
this will be a very different post than normal but i needed to get it off my chest.you must understand that this 
was really realistic for me in the dream and i was really terrified. the feelings of loss, despair, sadness and all the 
sad emotions that come to you when you lose someone or yourself forever where there and they where real. i hope 
you can understand that this is not a dream where you can know it was just a dream. for me it was like it happend in real life and that makes it even worse. i hope you can show respect for that.

So as some of you know I have been suffering from night terrors for the longest time. Luckly most of my dreams are not to bad ,and I can go trough with my day. Four dreams messed me up though.  I realized how messed up my head really was. From when I was a little kid I have been suffering from them and when I got older I suffered more and more of them. It went so far that I went to my biology teacher to ask if I was okay. I saw my friends explode and blood everywhere. (if you are intressted comment and I will tell that dream) I was really scared that something was really wrong with me and the teacher told me it was just a system to help me deal with my problems. I thought that was insane because I saw my friends, or family get murdered or I have to kill them for some reason or I am in a situation where I get almost raped or are in a life threatening situation what is terrifying.  Luckly they are dreams but they can mess you up really well.

Last night I had my first really calm but terrifying dream. Most of my dreams are chaos. I need to run or try to save my friends. I need to find a save space while there is no save space but this was not that. So let me start the story.

My dream started with someone I apparently loved. i knew this person really well and I loved them very well. They where not female or male they where non-binary and I loved them so much I would do anything to save them if it came to that. We decided to go swimming in this beautiful ocean. We had planned this for a couple days now and we enjoyed it. Until it went wrong.

So we of course decided to go into the water to go swimming. When we went into the water we became so magical creature. We still had feet and all that but we could stay longer under water. My partner loved this and became a bit reckless and then it went wrong. She cut herself on something and then everything got more blurry for me. I can just remember a lot of blood everywhere and seeing the water turn red while they floated unconcise in the water and me just covered in blood trying deprate to save them.

I wanted to save them and they where losing a lot of blood. I knew apparently how to transfer blood and I almost killed myself with that. Eventually I couldn’t stay focused anymore and I fainted. This is terrifying because I have never fainted before. When I woke up in the dream I was on life support. They where trying to transfer blood over to me because I gave to much away. It was chaos around me and I had a cap over my mouth. Everything was a haze for me because they gave me a lot of medicine to keep the pain away. The chaos seemed not like chaos though. It was all such a haze then it was just moving blurry colors. It was kinda peacefull when I didn’t realize I was on life support.

Hospitals don’t freak me out but I don’t like them at all because of some personal reasons. when it was blurry I fell asleep again because some doctor did some stuff in my (I don’t know what it is called but I just fell asleep) anyway when I woke up I freaked out a little bit. The hospital was really empty and there was no sound or people walking around. I realized what happend or atleast parts of what happened and it scared me so much. I was not afraid to die at all but I was afraid of the pain I would leave behind for my parent and my friends. I was scared that some might never know what happened and thought I abandoned them what was not true. I was afraid I left behind so much beautiful people who I would hurt so much and I never want that. I started to panic and I tried to cut myself lose of all the needles and machines and just wires. I stood up and when I got into the hall way I guess I collapsed and then I woke up for real. I still remember the doctors trying to save me. I don’t remember there faces and I remember trying to get away what was not a smart idea because I was still on life support. I don’t know what the end of the dream is. Mabey I woke up and recovered after months, mabey I died in the hall way and left behind so many friends and family members and mabey I got found on the edge of death. I will never know but when I woke up I was a bit in shock. I was glad I was not in a hospital and I was not on life support but it was a scary experience for sure.

I just want to share my story because I know how terrifying it can be. Dreams or night terrors can give such a realistic feeling that you can be stuck with for weeks or days or months. I want to give people support and let you know that it is okay and if you have terrifying dreams that your not alone and that there are a lot of people wanting to support you.

I hope you enjoyed reading my night terror.

~N

(update: i didn't put in some music when i posted this yesterday but i will now. here are some songs i hope you enjoy them)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QA16rYNnwT0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etJ5SfCEHp0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfxsYRgmtpo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHHIDlRFVM0

Hey Guy's

so it's this time a month again. i am have been not feeling well mentally and i am sometimes on the point of breaking down. i haven't also been honest to friends and all of you about how i feel. i never said or lied about it but i have not told anyone about it or atleast not talked about it. mabey some of you have picked up on some of the signals like i haven't talked about anything good in a while now. for friends it is more obvious like i haven't been talking as much and i have been avoiding the quistion ''how are you doing?'' with ''it's nothing inportant'' or ''i am doing a bit worse but it is nothing to worry about i will fix it'' but this time i feel lost.   

how it started is this: around 3 to 4 weeks ago i reunited with an starting friendship. i will not say who he is because i don't want anyone to get hate. it started out fine and i was hoping for a new beginning. i wanted to make more friends that i could talk to and have fun with and he was my first atempt (kinda) i wanted to get out there and collab and as i said make friends who care about me and not have some friendships that are just fake and are just an accept clicking on a screen. we started to talk and in the first few days it already went down hill to be honest. he showed up for a little bit and when he promised we would call that day for a time (so around 30 minutes to an hour) he wouldn't show up or would call for 5 to 10 minutes, and i was fine with that but he promised we would talk. we talked a bit online and i cried on a call because i felt left out and abandond, uniportant, and like i was just something to throw away. i said to him ''i don't care if you don't react at all or don't talk on this call but i need you to know that'' he reacted and soon after he i guess tried to change it. he promised he would chat the other day and we did for a bit. he said he couldn't because of work and i was fine with that, i gave him two birthday poems that day. we talked. that 5 to 10 minute talk was this talk. i even made an extra poem waiting for him so he could be more suprised. he said we would talk more the next day because he felt bad and i was totally fine with that. i was happy it finally worked (because with the first call my mic wasn't working so yah) but that day it went wrong. 

how it went wrong was very quickly. we had an awesome hour talk and we talked about anime we watched, what the best one was and our first one. just experiences and hobies etc. etc. but after a time his phone was dead. he never told me that while we where calling so it was just an end of call in the middle of talking. no bye just an end. what was very confusing for my side because i didn't know. i was like ''okay his phone is probebly dead i just need to call him back'' and i tried like a couple times because that is probebly what everyone would do when a call sudenly ends. but what i found out later i got really upset about. so first i need to explain this, the guy has a gf he calls with every day and he told me he calls her around 12. so around midnight. for him it was still 10 pm so we still had two hours to kill basiclly. and here is where it went wrong. so where i was was here. i called him and after like 30 to 45 minutes or more he reacted back. before that i send to him ''i think something went wrong XD'' not knowing what was about to happen. he told me that his phone died and i was fine until he said he was calling with his gf. 

i felt i was replaced. he didn't say anything inbetween and the whole time he was calling with his gf while we where still in a conversation before and he knew i was waiting for him. i felt like i was trash and that i was replaced. i told him how i felt and he said sorry but he couldn't ignore her. i get that but i was so upset because for more than a week i tried to get him to call me more than like 15 minutes or less and now was this time. this time was for us to talk and he promised he would the day before. he couldn't even say to his gf (who he calls every night) that he has a call he has to finish but i had  to figure it out myself. i am still upset.... it feels still like i have been replaced and when i tried to explain that you can't just leave someone hanging like that he left. i wanted to fix it but he left. i am still stuck with the guilt so badly and every day i wait and wait and wait but nothing. i called him, messaged him on two different things and it hurts. it's like i am the bad guy and i probebly am but it has been eating me away on the inside. 

that started my whole thing again and i have been tumbeling down these stairs of sadness that have become worse and worse. and i can't get of them but i can't reach for help because i am ashamed of myself. i only tried to fix it and after three to four weeks i have been punishing myself mentally so badlly and i want everything to stop. i want my head to stop. and i want to be happy again and join a conversation but i can't. all the pain from when i was youngher came back again and i want to solve problems that are there but i can't and i get trapped in this cage of thought and self hate and i almost cried infront of someone today because i couldn't take it anymore. it is terrible....

my mental state have been going down since that day, but i can't bring myself to seek help with friends because i feel emberrassed, and ashamed. so this is my scream of help. i don't mind if your not willing to comment or don't even care about who i am. i don't mind if you hate me or worse. i just want you all to know that i am gratefull for if you read trough this. and if your willing to help out thank you so much in advance. i just hope you all can understand that i am not doing well but i hope i will be soon and if i am not fast with reacting that i am probebly trying to fix what is going on right now. anyway thank you all for reading this worthless talk. mabey i'll see you in the future .

(and to my friends: i am sorry that all of you had to find out this way. i am sorry i didn't tell you sooner but i am already ashamed of all the problems i have and i don't want to be a burden to anyone. i wanted to let it slide try to forget and try to find selutions with a clear mind and without self hate but i couldn't. i'm sorry that i didn't share this with you but i can't and i couldn't at the time. right now i just want you to know this because i don't know. i think this is the right time. i'm sorry) 

~N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BoQny08uvw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgK11KxL4x4

Hey Guy's 

I desided to write something today. I played the game: You left me. And I thought it was beautiful. From what I know it was from a creator here on NG and I was one of lucky players who played it when it first came out on NG. I know the feeling of loss all to well and today I watched the game on Jacksepticeyes channel. It remembered me about it, and so I wanted to write a short story. I haven’t done that in a while so I wanted to do it again. I wanted to call my story you left me as well because it is my inspiration.

You left me:

When I look in the mirror you’re not there anymore. The days tick by, and every single day I think about you. The person who left me. I know you never left me with a choice but the world became so lonely. The friends around me sometimes are not enough to cheer me up when I feel low. I smile but in the end of the day I collapse and I can’t make myself seek help.

The mirror speaks every morning. It sais I look okay today. It looks closer at me and sometimes even grabs my hand to comfort me in the dark times. The images shifts every morning to a new person. A new hair style, a new smile, a new frown, new teeth, new eyes, a new person. Every morning the mirror speaks like it wants to know me.

When I go down the stairs every window peeks at me. Like I am some kind of secret walking through the halls. The small mirrors in the hall look at me as well. They want a glans of what the big mirror sees. A secret only he can see for his own. The so called beauty he sees in me.

The curtains hide my existence. They don’t want to share me and let people see what I am doing every day. They try to protect me from the world outside, and the feelings that bust into colorful splashes of paint inside the house.

When I go outside I put on my mask of always being happy. When I see couples I smile and they smile back while my shadow who has the mask on is cracking. My shadow has little white lines in it while I walk around the house. The pain I hide.

When you left it had an impact. My whole life changed because of it. The mirror saw the truth but my brains marks it ugly, the windows try see who I really am, while the curtains try to hide who I am. My mask prevents me from speaking the truth, and the colorful paint I have is invisible until you shine a uv light on it. Every single day I open my eyes to find the same empty shadow who walks around the house.

It still sits in your chair, it still stands next to me when we walk. Your shadow follows me everywhere I go. The time ticks down until both our shadows remain but until that time I will always have to walk around with your shadow beside me.

~End.

I hope you enjoyed that little story. I didn’t have a lot of inspiration to write a lot but it is something  I like so I want to share it. Anyway I hope you all have a wonderful day.

~N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgK11KxL4x4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tc6lYbyAR5I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LKR7XCiv28

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BoQny08uvw

Hey Guys,

so as you might see this is my 50th post on this account what is awesome. i have at this point of time 67 fans what is just awesome. not even a couple days ago we hit 60 fans and this is so awesome. anyway today i have not been feeling well and that sucks. as some of you might know i have been dealing with thoughts that are not awesome and great to have so i desided to write a poem about it or a small story as some might call it. to me it means something and i would love for you to tell me what you think of it as well and don't forget to tell me about what you think it means. 
so to me this thing means something inportant and i hope to you to anyway thanks for reading this and i hope you like this poem as well. 

Dark eyes. 

Every night i look in the mirror,
The eyes that stare back are mine but also not. 
When i cry the next day my eyes are a bit darker. 
Will they turn black eventually? 

The day will come that i give up. 
The day came close that i would.
My eyes almost turned black.
They don't know the worse you feel the closer they come. 

The white eyes stare back in the beginning. 
But when the cloud of dark mist catches you,
You can't hide anymore. 

The thoughts creep trough your mind like spiders.
The eyes that where once white are now gray. 

That night someone came to visit,
It was a spirit to warn me about the eyes. 
His face appeared in the mirror this time. 
His words stuck to me as glue. 

'Your thoughts will consume you like a cloud,
Until the cloud lets you dissapear your in danger.
Like the moon, you have a dark side. 
Until the clock runs out your save.
But if your eyes are black you will go'

After the words he disspeared from sight. 
The clock ticks until this day, 
And the cloud appeares once in a while. 

Every day the cloud creeps from the coners of the room.
And when your not looking it takes you. 
The cloud brings you to a black dream, 
But you can't get out. 

That day my eyes turned to dark gray, 
My days are like a clock. 
When my eyes turn dark, 
The mirror will shatter and blood will run over the walls. 

Blood will flow, 
It will hit the walls like paint.
It will be a master peace of the ages. 
And for a week it will be famous. 

But when that time runs out it will only be known,
By the master of time. 
The dark eyes will hunt you forever. 

Like the clock, the cloud it will hunt you. 
Until the clock runs out, 
Or the dark eyes get you. 

What will your road be? 

Even today so many people have been trown to that,
The dark got them and there blood had hit the wall.
There names are forgotten by everyone. 
Only family will know and remember.

There eyes got the best. 
There eyes turned black before the clock was done. 
They didn't get help when asked. 
Or they never asked. 

They faught there black eyes but never won. 
I am fighting my dark eyes today, 
But i can go another day. 

I hope nobody has to fight them, 
I hope if they have to the will win from the, 
Black eyes.

(i hope you liked reading this or atleast appreaciated because something like this isn't something fun. anyway thanks for reading, here you have some music you can enjoy) 

~N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSH7QSzkhQg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAS3P-FHrZI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAMWdvo71ls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3_Z5_G6rRU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bKIzkamkpY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVwQ4t4DiTM

Hey Guy's 

So i just wrote something and it's not the best thing i ever wrote but i just wanted to write something about something that has been bothering me. it's a bit complicated but what the poem sais about the lonely soul is what i want to do but can't there are alot of hidden meanings in the poem itself so i am curious what you think it means. anyway enjoy this short poem i wrote just a couple minutes ago, 

a lonely soul. 

Somethimes at night i see a shadow. 
wandering the woods behind the trees.
the soul looks at all the people who pass by,
but the soul never goes to them. 

Somethimes i hear music, 
behind the trees i see the soul dancing. 
all alone with the lights that apear. 
it never dances with anyone else. 

I saw the soul again today and yesterday, 
while i walk this dark path it follows me. 
the lights in his eyes follow me over the path. 
it doesn't seem dangerous but i am seeing him. 

His eyes are always there, 
watching people go by without seeing it.
the beautiful eyes behind the trees that they miss. 
where he dances and watches over them. 

In the beginning i was scared. 
i didn't know what to expect.
but slowely every night went by, 
and he was watching with a curious eye. 

Every night i tried to get closer, 
to see if i could lend him a hand. 
but he was scared and ran, 
and again i was alone in the dark woods. 

The day after i walked again. 
over the dark path under the stars. 
the moon seemed brighter than before. 
mabey this was my special night. 

That night i hear music again, 
behind the trees i saw lights dancing. 
slowely i walked towards it. 

He saw me but carried on, 
he was singing an old song. 
i heard it before from my grandma and 
started to sing along. 

Slowely he turned around, 
he didn't expect someones to join him. 
i carried on with my song and he walked towards me. 

that night i dissapeared. 
nobody knows where i went, 
but i know i joined a lonely soul in the woods. 
with his friendly eyes i went with him. 

From that night on i became a soul as well. 
i never died or took my life. 
i was granted a gift from him. 
he just wanted a friend and i was there. 

now in the forest we sing and dance,
and watch over people who pass trough our forest. 
he was just a lonely soul who wanted a friend. 
and now i am here. 

he will never have to be a lonely soul again. 

(i hope you enjoyed that poem don't forget to comment and tell me what it means ^^ anyway here are some songs. they are not upbeat and a bit sad but they are still good songs. i found alot of songs i wanted to share and don't forget these are all songs by other people anyway i hope you enjoy the songs as well) 

~N 
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PL5uQJKTMA               
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNFDMstyO9U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ko4QiFPUgwI                   
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0KgNx8Jw-I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWm7sF3gAB4               
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSkXKhc_vE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q4Dev8N1LE                   
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqLQpb2YMt0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNdGFe59E2M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RLID5KM-Hw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tg22ykfN82I

Hey Everyone,

So you probebly saw the title and probebly already know it is time again. like i said before, once in a while i will thank everyone who supported me, like my fans and my friends. a couple of days ago we hit a mile point and i got 60 fans!! 
everyone blew my mind to be honest. i am not someone who is special and i am just doing my thing with spreading my poems, stories and drawings as well as trying to help others out. everyone followed me and when i began i never thought i would hit this mile stone and it is awesome and i am so proud of myself and what i have done and of course i am proud to have you all. alot of people i have talked to and alot of people are so super sweet and supportive even willing to give me advice and help when i felt down or even with things i am proud of. i am so happy that all off you are following me and that everyone is so awesome ^^ 

So Thank you all for the support and all the advice. i appreaciate it so much, i never thought people would follow me and you all proved me so wrong ^^ so thank you so much for supporting, helping, giving avice and so much more. 
i am so happy i have all of you so thank you 10000 times. 

Of course i have some friends i am very close to on NG so i would like to thank them personally. i really wanted to give a personal message to everyone but 60 people is alot to write and if you know me for a while i want to be genuen and honest and i write to much so that would be alot of work and time that i unfortunally don't have right now. because of alot of learning i have to but mabey in the future ^^ 

Anyway here are the people i want to thank personally.

@JamesHatfeld : Dear E, I know you more than a year now. we have chatted so much and shared so much with         each other. we became more than friends and we became more like family, and i care so much                                     about you. your such a positive person who stayes supportive even if it's hard for me. i really look                                 up to you. so thank you for all the support and being here from almost the beginning ^^ 

@EvanScale :   Dear Evan, You saw me grow from the beginning. your an amezing artist and if i had quistions i could  always come to you to ask advice and without hesitation you answered. you are one of the people i                              also appreaciate because you didn't just ignore me and was happy to help me and it helped me so                                much so thank you so much for your friendly advice and support.

@G4CEsz-Official : Dear G4, We did a colab in the beginning of this place. i really enjoyed collabing with you and         you  where so friendly. your a lovely person and i am greatull i got to talk to you. so thank you so much for the support. 

@Jabicho : Dear J, You always read my stories and poems. even though you aren't always around i notice you go   back to older posts to check them out and react on them. you put effort in reading all of my writing and i                       really appreaciate that. so thank you so much for that effort and supporting me trough this like everyone                       else. 

@MassGas:  Dear M, in the last couple months we have become good friends. we have talked alot and it's always      about nice stuff and if we need advice we talk about that. somethimes when i didn't want to talk to                                anyone you where the one i wanted to talk to and you where there to talk. i really enjoy our friendship                            and i hope we can stay friends for a long time. so thanks for the support and being my friend ^^

@MchectorII : Dear Mc, Thank you for these years. i know i haven't been able to talk to you for a while but i haven't  forgotten about you. i loved talking to you and when i had nobody here i had you to talk to. you where                           there when i just started a new chapter of my life and you helped. so thank you for being there for me                           and supporting me trough it ^^

@Pogipawn : Hey R, we had a little bump in out road to friendship but all that is forgiven and we moved on. right now     we are starting our friendship and i like it alot. your energy is really fun and your so fun to talk to.  your                         random but on the same time just normal. although your really shy and don't think you look good, i want                       to say you are mabey shy but i think your beautiful in and out and i am happy we are starting this new                           journey toghter and i hope we will be good friends in the future and that you will be alot less shy around                       me. so thanks for saying yes to my requist for friendship. it means alot to me ^^ 

Anyway that where the people i wanted to thank personally because they mean a great deal to me. so for everyone who followed me thanks again so much for the support and all the love and advice. i love you all for supporting me. and it means so much to me. so keep your head up and stay positive. 

Here is some music i just discovered that i really enjoy. and below that is everyone who is supporting me so mabey check some people out. anyway sty positive and have a lovely day/afternoon/night ^^ 

~N

(the first is my favorite song right now ^^ )

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6tSudiNE90

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6yCml9RCV8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YccJ1uaQD8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbEpt9wb9d4

Here is everyone ^^

@botnot435                              @CoolNinjaTMNTfan                @Distroyer120
@GobSmacked                        @JustAPunnyGuy                     @JamesHatfeld
@PancakePocket                     @StaticSkull                               @Unicorns223
@Alexwilsoncomposer             @MassGas                                 @3AceNG
@Carlos01                                @Croude                                    @drake-rex

@HazzaTimmy                        @JMations98                               @LunacyOfficial
@Mochipet                              @Skiddle                                      @stewardhklarlover
@zwm                                     @Ante45                                       @Cholos
@DarkDruid5                          @G4CEsz-Official                          @Jabicho
@M4dMonst3r                         @Mr-Insanity97                             @ss4GOKU890

@Tadiel                                   @MchectorII                                   @Atp505
@BFFcraft                              @Distroyer120                                @IamDCMarque
@JohnEarthBreathGames     @rsonbie456                                   @shiro66699 
@KungFuSpaceBarbarian     @T3xno                                           @TAJones20
@ThiefOfVoid                         @Voltage                                         @Wondermeow

@AdventVoice                        @AUTAKU                                     @cat911 
@CocoVersi                            @DawnTheNightmaren                 @Dj-Compact 
@Dray2018                             @Gamedestroy                             @Joshuaoriade 
@KinoThe3rd                          @Moondesire                                @mrbadazz 
@RevolverKakyoin                 @SapkyRides                                @Sketchii 
@TheInnerScience                

AGAIN EVERYONE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT, IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME <3

-LGBTQ+- 

Hey Guy's

So as some might ask hmm... what would they write this time. i most of the time don't even write at this time because usually i need to go to my classes. (for me it's pretty early so that's why) anyway one of my classes fell out this morning so i have all the time of the world right now what is funny because usually after classes i am not able to write unless i am in the mood for it. kinda weird right? anyway it's that way and because i have alot of time right now and i don't have anything else to do with the time i desided to talk on here. 

The last couple of weeks i have been watching Ash Hardell (youtube channel) she talks alot about LGBTQ+ things and that intrest me alot. for me it's more about understanding other people in the LGBTQ+ community and having it easier in the future and i am also intressted in how there life is because of what kind of LBGTQ+ they are. most of the people i have seen and met are awesome, friendly and open minded people and i am happy because of that but there are some people that don't have that. it's sad but it's true, atleast you have alot of awesome people in the world who make up for that. 

Why i wanted to talk about the LGBTQ+ is because i have noticed with my place i live in people  have heard of the word but they don't really know what it is because one: they have never had to ''deal'' with such a situation themself. two: don't know anyone who is part of the community or three: they just don't know what it is, but heard it once or twice.  with me that is fine. unfortunatly there are some people who know what it is and spread hate about it and for me thats sad. the LGBTQ+ is a community that is full off love. some groups don't understand each other and  that is something that goes on in the community, but that is normal for what i see. there are always people in other communities as well that don't understand each other, and that is fine. if people tried to understand each other than i think everything would be fine and everything can be talked out then. 

If you read all of that above props to you your stubborn or someone who loves reading can be eather one to be honest but thanks ^^ 

Anyway as some might know i am a ''member'' of the LBGTQ+ community and i love it. for me it's something special to be honest. of course i said member but your not really a member. if you are in one of the labels in LGBTQ+ you are in the community and you don't have to do something weird to get in. the community is like a second home to me. i have seen alot of awesome people that are loving and that makes me really happy. some things i can't discus with my friends about LGBTQ+ and i haven't told them about some things because it would cause trouble. i find that troubeling because it is something i have to carry around without being open about it. it's like hiding who you are but with the community it's just awesome because i can be myself and most people don't judge you for that. 

so for the people who don't know me i will explain kinda who i am in the LGBTQ+ community. for the easy start like 1 and a half year ago i started to discover myself more and more. before that i had a freaking hard time and couldn't focus on anything but the problems that where going on in my life. they where not light hearted and it took up all my time as well as energy, because of that i never got the chance to think about who i wanted to be and who i am. until then.  first i discovered i was something called bisexual or how i call it Bi. for me that meant at the time i can love men and woman. easy and simple. but i changed that a couple months ago. i changed it to Pansexual because that means for me that i can love anyone in between as well. and for me that is one thing i love about me (what i don't say often) i am really happy it doesn't matter for me what gender or sex you are because for me it matters if i like you or not and if you have a good personallity.  also i am a non-binary/trans person. i haven't admit it to anyone atleast not face to face to someone in my real life. because that shit is scary. it's not a hey i am this and than your done but it's also that you get alot of shit about it because alot of people say you can't be both. and i dissagree. Ash Hardell changed my mind on that so much, because i thought it's one or the other but they told me it doesn't have to be that way. here is a video she has about talking about being trans or atleast saying it for th first time about them self, as well as explaing some things. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=P0DKOyP_vBU

For me Ash Hardell is a role model. it isn't exactilly easy to go through all of it and it's alot to figure out as well it takes alot of freaking time to figure shit out because it's pretty complicated. as well as the quistions will come where i am asking myself if i want to take T (testoterones), get some things changed on my body or  if i will cut my hair. i am taking small steps right now with walking around with a binder and ''guy'' clothes what is already a huge risk for me because the people from my classes are not the nicest people so getting bullied is something i take a risk with but right now it's going fine. and i am so happy it does. 

in the future i hope to do more and really be myself because right now i am not really who i want to be.it's a huge risk for me but it's also a change in my life i want to make happen and go through with. mabey i will never take T but i am still who i am or i never get things changed with my body but i can still be me, and for me that is the most inportant. this post is meant to be for me and for people who want to tell there story about LGBTQ+ or have quostions about it. i am fine with all of those because i would love to respond to both. i also know that alot of LBTQ+ people have the problem that they don't have an accepting home and that sucks alot and i want to be a hand reaching out to talk to. it's already hard enough to be who you are without getting comments on it but also being not accepting makes it harder. i would love to hear all the stories and i am open to it so much. i hope i can talk about it more in my next post and explain some more stuff or just talk about my experiences. anyway i hope to see all your responses and stories. 

anyway i hope you all have a wonerfull day ^^ 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VG1bj4Lj1Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IGyOxb2Z98

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hu_XwnAiMXg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ96aUmQ79w